How to Stay Positive (10 Tips)

Introduction

A reader wrote me this week to ask me for some advice on staying positive. I struggled tremendously with staying positive, but through the years, I have developed my own systems that work for me. I would encourage you to try out some of my tips below and be willing to experiment to see what works for you.

As a quick note before beginning, we should be aware that negativity does serve a purpose. It allows us to understand when there is a problem or something that is not working properly. If nothing else, it allows us to see that we should consider making a change in our lives.

Even from negative circumstances, there is something positive for us to take from it.

A conclusion I have come to is that everything is a form of practice. These days, I am actually grateful for much of the negativity that happens around me. I see it as something that allows me to practice a positive mindset.

Ready to begin? Here are 10 Tips on how to stay positive:

1.     Read Books on Positivity and Mindfulness

I especially recommend 7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By, and you can also pick up 365 Quotes to Live Your Life By (free eBook). They can make the biggest impact when read together or one after the next.

These books include some of the best advice I could give to live your life positively. While some of the advice in these books comes from personal experience, much of it comes from the timeless wisdom from around the world. To see further book recommendations, scroll to the bottom of this post.

2.     Surround Yourself with Positive People

Focus on those who have a positive outlook and who are working to improve themselves and their communities. In these times, as you may be isolated due to Covid, be sure to call or have a video chat with loved ones who tend to have a positive spirit. Of course, being around people who care about you and support you always makes you feel more positive.

3.     Share Your Concerns

When we are going through a difficult time, some people tend to withdraw or want to keep their thoughts and worries to themselves. Rather, it is important that we have family or someone close to us that we can confide in and share our troubles with. We should avoid dwelling too much on the negativity, but at the same time, it is important to acknowledge when something is troubling us, as this can help us to find a path forward through it. Even if you are sure that there is no solution or constructive way forward through your problems, it can still help to share them with people who you know will support you no matter what.

Personally, when I speak about my troubles out loud, I tend to realize that there is something I can do to make improvements. Then, this makes me feel more positive about the situation.

4.     Snap Out of It

If you get caught in negative thinking loops, don’t try to think your way out of the loop. Thinking sometimes leads us into further negativity, and instead, it is better to find something that can snap you out of it. I may do this by watching a standup comedian, playing a video game, going for a walk, being with nature, meditating, or even whistling along to music (you may prefer to sing or dance).

5.     Find Your Purpose

In my life, finding my purpose and meaning have been tremendously important. Without these, I tend to feel directionless and lost, and I would not be a very positive person. An overarching message I’ve seen in many books and places is that when you have a purpose, you develop the strong mindset needed to overcome anything. If something matters that much to you, then you will find a way to keep making progress. Essentially, the positive feeling you have toward what you truly care about will always outweigh the negativity or obstacles on your path when you have meaning and purpose.

6.     The Power of Now

There is great power in knowing how to be truly, truly present. When you are fully absorbed in what is happening Now, there is no room left in your mind for negativity. Negativity involves abstract ideas oftentimes, perhaps worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Still, the Now is the concrete reality that you are faced with every moment of your life. You can practice getting into the present by avoiding distractions, practicing meditation and mindfulness, and getting in the flow (see next point). To delve deeper into this topic, I recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

7.     Get in the Flow

When you are in Flow, you challenge yourself and focus completely on one thing, making your mind operate at its highest possible level. When you do this, there is no room for any negativity in your life. Working on your goal is all you have the time and energy for. To get into this state, I may play a challenging video game that requires all my focus or play a chess game. Otherwise, of course, I can work on writing a book or blog post.

To understand how to practice Flow in your life, read Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

8.     Let the Negativity Pass Through You

I don’t recall with certainty where I heard this advice, but I believe it was from one of the Dalai Lama’s books. The advice was that we should not hold onto negativity that others pass to us. Whenever someone directs negative energy toward me, I will visualize it as passing through me. When this happens to most people, they will acknowledge and hold onto it – becoming filled with hate and anger. If we do this, then we take this negative poison, and it can ruin our day. Instead, it is better to allow that negative energy to pass through you. You can choose not to allow it to make an impact on your life if you wish.

Do not hang onto the negativity that others toss your way. Release your grasp on it. Let it go.

I’m sure this can sound impractical and like wishful thinking. But I have practiced this for years, and it works for me. I was given an excellent opportunity to practice this today, as I just read the most scathing review of one of my books ever (0 out of 5 stars!). This reviewer found no value or use from one of my best books. I just let the negativity pass through me and spent no more time or energy on this after reading it.

9.     Take Meaningful Action

As mentioned before, you should work on snapping out of your negative thinking by getting away from your thoughts. One way to do this is to take meaningful action. A problem I have often seen, and that I’ve had myself, is that we get overwhelmed with a task, and then we get stuck thinking negatively about it. This becomes a vicious cycle, as then we don’t take action, and we don’t make progress. Then we may fall further and further behind, getting stuck in a negative thought loop.

Instead, I try to get in the zone of taking meaningful actions. For example, I don’t like to do the dishes, laundry, or other household chores, but I’ve learned to appreciate them because I see them as meaningful actions. Stop seeing your actions as worthless and inconsequential, and perceive the meaning in them. I do the dishes and the laundry to keep my living space clean and orderly because this makes me feel good. The messier my personal space becomes, the more chaotic my mind tends to become as well.

Even if you have a task that you truly cannot stand, but you have to do it, then the meaning should be to get it out of the way so that you can get to other activities you actually care about. I find that the more active I get, the less negative I tend to be. Of course, one way many people stay active and that helps them to combat negativity is to engage in physical exercise regularly.

10.  If Needed, Seek Professional Help

I am not a clinical psychologist, so my advice can be of limited value for someone who is struggling tremendously. After a certain point where your thoughts or behaviors prevent you from living your normal life or from making progress on your goals, you should consult a doctor, psychologist, or therapist. If you would like some professional help in book form, an excellent guide is From Depression to Contentment by Bob Rich, a retired psychotherapist with a lifetime of dealing with his own depression and helping clients work through it as well.

Final Thoughts

I have made great efforts to maintain a positive mindset and expect positive things to happen in my life while putting in the work to get there. All I can tell you is that these tips have worked very well for me. Of course, I understand that sometimes things happen outside of our control that can guide us into negativity. For that reason, we must Practice our Positivity regularly. This way, when we need it the most, we will know how to use it effectively to overcome the obstacles of our lives.

One of my blog posts discusses (on tip #7) how we can create happiness in our lives, even if we may be dealing with a situation that is not ideal. It’s an inspirational post on the life of Oliver James and how he is overcoming his struggles with learning to read at 34 years old.

Recommended Reading

7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By by I. C. Robledo

365 Quotes to Live Your Life By by I. C. Robledo

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

From Depression to Contentment by Bob Rich

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie

The Book of Joy by Dalai Lama XIV

An Open Heart by Dalai Lama XIV

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Tools of Titans by Timothy Ferriss

Dealing with Barriers on the Path to Living Your Purpose

Often people begin on the path to their purpose, and they come across a barrier that holds them back from accomplishing what they want to. Sometimes this barrier presents a huge weight on their shoulders, constantly reminding them that they cannot make much of a difference after all.

This tends to crush our spirits. Sometimes we have studied many, many years and obtained multiple degrees or worked our way up the chain of command to get to the position we had dreamed of finally.

Then, nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Plans do not work as intended. The resources aren’t there. Budget cuts. Downsizing. The right talent is lacking.

We tend to have this ideal vision of our lives, and reality rarely lives up to what we had imagined.

Are there any barriers in your life holding you back from meeting your objectives and living out your purpose?

Barriers can come in many forms. They may be:

• Colleagues that are too competitive and which do not help each other, rather than working as a team

• The lack of funds, without a clear path to acquiring them

• Personal problems such as health issues (in yourself or a loved one)

• Too much bureaucracy or paperwork and procedures that must be followed (or not enough of them when they should be in place)

• Too many demands on your time and energy, leaving you drained

• A lack of clarity in what path to pursue to meet your objectives

• A realization that no matter how hard you work, you cannot truly meet your objectives, which becomes discouraging

• A boss with a different vision, temperament, or perspective than you and that wants to impose his way on you

• A complete lack of motivation, probably due to some other barriers you are facing

A simple way to know if you have found your purpose is to ask yourself:

Is this worth doing even if I fail? Is this worth doing, even if it presents me with immense challenges? Is it worth doing even if I don’t earn quite as much as I would like?

Many of us are worried about failure. I say, “So what?” Failure is not the worst thing. Failure will present you with the opportunity to learn and grow and decide whether what you are doing was truly worth it to you, to begin with.

Ask yourself this about your chosen path:

Ultimately, is it worth doing even if I realize that no matter how hard I work, I will never accomplish my goals in the way I want to?

Some people may come to realize that they cannot meet their goals. If your goal is to save lives, you may come to understand that there is no way for you to help everyone. Some patients will die, and there will not be anything you can do about it. Then you have to ask yourself if it is worth doing even though you can never meet your goals perfectly. More importantly, is it worth doing your best and trying to help everyone that you can, even when you know that sometimes it will not work out in the end?

Also, ask yourself:

Is this a field where I can look forward to the great challenges I will face, rather than expecting it always to be easy?

Hopefully, you will get to a point where you look forward to the challenges you will face. You will want to be challenged because, with those challenges, you will only improve your skills and get better at successfully fulfilling your purpose.

Understand that even if you have found your purpose, this does not make life easy, counter to what many may think. Even after finding purpose, people still struggle to be motivated in the face of obstacles. They still struggle with the need to earn a certain amount of income. They still struggle with being uncertain as to whether they are even on the right path.

The reality is that barriers will always be there. It doesn’t matter whether you work for yourself or someone else, whether you have the support of your colleagues or not, whether you are motivated or not. It doesn’t matter whether you are working on your true purpose or just a job where you can get paid.

There will always be obstacles on your path. The question is: Are they worth dealing with? Do you believe strongly enough in what you are doing for all of this to be worth it?

I will urge you to find a field to work in and find a purpose for yourself where you are excited to work on it despite the barriers that will inevitably come up. Find something so worthwhile to you that any barrier is just a temporary setback.

No barrier should truly hold you back from working on your purpose-driven goals.

When you are working on your purpose, don’t allow the barriers to take your sight off your true objectives. If you have clients – return your focus to helping them meet their goals. If you are doing research, return your focus to doing good science. If you are a student, return your focus to learning what truly matters to you.

You may need to return to the fundamentals to remind yourself what you are after.

Perhaps one day, you get yelled at by your boss in front of your colleagues, and it’s not even for a good reason. This is obviously a difficult situation to deal with, but are you making progress on goals that are deeply important to you? Ultimately, this is what matters. Is your boss yelling just a minor obstacle on the path to living your purpose?

Consider this:

Are you working on your purpose now? Have you already found it?

Are you happy to work on it, no matter the obstacle?

Or are you ready to call it quits? Your heart isn’t in this, and perhaps it never was?

I will not urge you to keep going or to quit. Only you can make these choices for yourself.

But if you have found your purpose – then likely this will be worth hanging onto and pursuing in the face of all the obstacles. If you truly do not like your circumstances, there may be other options - you may be able to fulfill your purpose working for someone else or even working for yourself.

Or, if you are facing too many barriers without truly having your heart in what you are doing, then perhaps this is no longer worth it. If you feel drained and deadened, day by day without any true sense of fulfillment, it may be time to move on and seek your purpose elsewhere.

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This is Part 3 of 3 posts on finding purpose. Here are the other two posts:

My Purpose Journey - A Winding Road

STOP Resisting Your Purpose and START Living It

STOP Resisting Your Purpose, and START Living It

A problem many of us have is that we are our own greatest obstacle. We have denied our own purpose rather than pursued it.

Most of us have a good sense of what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, but we don’t know that we know. Years of denying our true self, our true feelings, and our own hearts have gotten us to the point where we don’t know what we were meant to do.

Here are some tips to stop resisting yourself so that you can actually make progress on living out your purpose.

STOP listening to what everyone says you should do, and START doing what you know you are meant to do

Most of us miss out on our purpose because we listen too much to what other people think we should be doing. Your family may want you to earn more money or to have a career with a good reputation, but ultimately you are the one living your life. If you do not like your job or life, no one else will have to deal with it every day except for you.

Something to keep in mind is that many industries are unpredictable. An industry that earns very well today may go bankrupt tomorrow. This can happen whether we are fulfilling our purpose or not, of course. However, if I’m going to go bankrupt, personally, I would rather have it happen while I am pursuing my purpose rather than pursuing a career that I had no interest in.

It’s not a pretty sight to study and work hard only to hate your life and job, just to earn a decent paycheck, and then have your whole industry go bankrupt overnight.

While working on my purpose, I know that I will be fiercely determined to keep doing my work. That’s because it isn’t just work, and it isn’t just a way to earn a paycheck. When you work on your purpose, you will be more likely to be among the best at what you do, and even if parts of your industry go bankrupt, you will find the motivation and the reason to keep going, and perhaps you will even thrive under adversity.

STOP working for a paycheck, and START working for a greater purpose

When your paycheck is the best thing about your life’s path or your job, then perhaps you should reconsider your direction. Of course, it’s nice to make money, but I believe we should be working for a deeper reason. Generally, you should want to improve yourself, people around you, or the world in some way through your work.

In my opinion, it’s more rewarding to earn money as a byproduct of living out your life’s purpose, rather than having the money be the central thing that you are focused on.

When you know your purpose, you can focus fully on doing your best at this, and the money will follow. I believe people have a good sense for when someone is doing something that they truly care about and want to help with versus when someone is motivated primarily to earn income.

I am happy to pay people for their work when they are highly motivated and working on their purpose. Rather, when they view me as dollar signs, I am not always happy to pay them, and I may not return for their service again. For me, it is easy to notice when someone is unhappy at their work versus when someone is deeply motivated by a higher purpose. You will notice this too if you pay attention.

But the tricky part is - Can you notice this in yourself? Are you truthful with yourself when you are unhappy with your life’s direction?

Ask yourself: Is your purpose shining through in your life, or are you dragging your feet every day?

By the way, whether you like your job or not, I think you should aim to do your best. Many people don’t want to be where they are in life – this doesn’t give us the right to treat others poorly or do our work half-heartedly.

STOP giving up on yourself, and START believing in yourself

Many of us can end up in jobs we don’t like, don’t believe in, and possibly where we don’t even get paid well. When you give up or don’t believe in yourself, it’s easy to take lower-level jobs that offer no path to a better future.

Unfortunately, it’s also easy to get stuck there for life.

If you don’t believe in yourself, you won’t see the point of meeting your purpose because you will assume that you would fail. Or perhaps you don’t want to fail in front of other people – you are worried about what they will say or think.

When you are feeling stuck and ready to give up on yourself, consider what you have to lose by trying to fulfill your true purpose? Nothing at all. Why not give it a shot?

Ultimately, we must believe in ourselves so that we can fulfill our true purpose. The next best thing is to find someone who believes in you. In time, their belief in you will help you to believe in your own abilities.

Note that a belief in yourself doesn’t mean that you think you are the best. It doesn’t even mean that you are necessarily prepared to meet your purpose. It just means that you know you can learn what you need to, and build the experience you need, to go on the path toward meeting your purpose.

STOP talking about what you will do, and START doing it

Many people get stuck in talking about what they want to do, what their purpose or their dream is, and they never actually do it. I think it’s best that when you know your purpose or your dream, you shouldn’t even talk about it at all. The more you talk, the more you will feel like you are making some progress because you discuss your ideas. However, nothing is actually getting done.

Personally, I spend very little time discussing my ideas. I prefer to use that energy on outlining, organizing, planning, and implementing those ideas.

Someone can argue that in discussing ideas, it helps you figure out which ones are good. That may be true, but it’s hard to judge an idea if it hasn’t been implemented on some level. Consider going for a Minimum Viable Product (MVP), where you create something small to see what people think of it. Instead, if you want to write a novel, write a short story and get some feedback on it. There is no need to discuss your novel idea with everyone – in the worst case, you may get negative feedback and become discouraged.

Some people may be able to talk a lot about their ideas and execute them, but in my experience, those who talk more execute less and sometimes do not execute at all.

STOP getting stuck in the same old patterns, and START creating the life you want and need to happen

If you struggle to find your purpose, it may be because you have allowed yourself to get stuck in a job you do not care for or in a life situation that you do not care for. When we find ourselves in such a place, of course, we can feel drained, bored, or overwhelmed.

Someone who works at a full-time job that they do not care about will probably not feel energized to meet their purpose.

However, when you are stuck in a place you do not want to be, your options are limited. It doesn’t seem realistic to quit your stable job and then hope to land your dream job, not without any planning, anyway.

The main option I have seen work is to stay at your stable job and then pursue your purpose or your dream on the side. For example, how much progress could you make on your purpose by working evenings and weekends? Of course, this can seem overwhelming, but you have to ask yourself – is your purpose worth it?

Even if all you can do is work on your purpose (or develop your skills so that you can work on your purpose) for half an hour per day, it is worth doing. Small, steady progress is still something.

Ask yourself: Do you want to wake up in twenty years at the same job you can’t stand, and not having made any progress on your purpose just because you made up excuses?

STOP worrying about your resume, and START learning what you need to make progress

When I started on the path toward my purpose, I used to worry a lot about my resume. I used to think – if working for myself doesn’t work out, then I will have a gap of unemployment and a lack of skill development in my timeline. I was completely wrong. Through working on my purpose, I had become self-employed. I had become my own boss, and I was doing the tasks that I had decided were best for my business.

The reality is it took time before I felt like I was making real progress. But as the years passed, I realized that I was gaining skills and improving my abilities day by day. Eventually, I realized that I was learning more self-employed than I would have working for a company. This is because my standards were high, and I was working on a variety of projects that required a variety of skill sets. When I didn’t know how to do something, I took the time to learn it and improve at it.

I laugh now at any concerns about the resume. I don’t even have a resume, but I have developed many skills along the way to living my purpose, as I regularly learn new skills and advance my abilities on my purpose journey.

When you live your purpose, you will learn any skills you need to get the job done because you will be doing what truly matters to you. Whether you work for yourself or someone else, you will be driven by a higher need to make your purpose a reality, and you will be more motivated to learn and develop your abilities this way.

STOP listening too much to reason, and START listening to your heart

Ultimately, I think we all have a feeling for what we are truly supposed to be doing. When you dread every day because you can’t stand your life’s path, it should be quite evident that you have denied your life’s purpose and that this is not the best path for you.

As much as reason is a powerful tool for finding solutions, we can also get stuck in reason. I have often seen people reason their way into bad life choices and causing problems in their lives. When considering your life’s purpose, don’t crowd out your heart’s desires with too much reason.

When you listen to your heart, you will be guided along a much better path.

When you deny your heart, you will always wish you were doing something else in the back of your mind. With this, how successful can you truly be? You may feel like a fraud, living a life that you knew was not truly meant for you. You may always be left wondering – Why didn’t I take a chance on what I truly wanted to do?

It’s easy for everyone around you to tell you that you won’t make it, that you aren’t talented or skilled enough, but how can you know unless you do it?

Many people will tell you, “But what if it doesn’t work out?” This is well-meaning, but if you have failure on your mind when you’re beginning on a new path, this is already a bad way to start.

Keep in mind that I am a highly practical person, and I am still telling you to listen to your heart. Listen to your head too. If you need the income to stay afloat, then keep your stable job, or find the best-paying job you can find. But don’t get stuck in that for your whole life. Work on what your heart wants you to do so that eventually, you can dedicate most of your time to your life’s true purpose.

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This is Part 2 of 3 posts on finding purpose. Here are the other two posts:

My Purpose Journey - A Winding Road

Dealing with Barriers on the Path to Living Your Purpose

My Purpose Journey – A Winding Road

It was always a struggle to figure out what to do with my life when I was younger. The decision seemed so big and overwhelming, and there was so much pressure to get it right.

One wrong turn and I felt my life would be ruined – overly dramatic perhaps, but it’s how I often felt.

Starting in high school, I wasn’t sure what direction to go in. I thought my science classes were interesting, and I was doing well in them, so I figured I would end up majoring in science by the time I got to college.

When it came time to choose my major, I began second-guessing everything. I considered many different majors, but one of the ones I was considering more closely was anthropology. Others such as biology, psychology, philosophy, and sociology had also crossed my mind.

My brother was already in college, and I told him I wasn’t sure what to major in. He pointed out that since biology was one of my interests, I should major in that. He said that it’s easier to switch out of science than it is switching into it. If I changed my mind later, it would not be a problem for me this way.

The feedback made sense, and so reluctantly (as I knew this would be quite the challenge), I majored in biology at Purdue University. The workload ended up being the most extreme I had ever encountered. I felt like I never stopped studying. Many students struggled to pass biology, and a large portion were actually dropping out or failing out of the chemistry class. I was so worried about failing that I studied all the time, and I managed to get nearly all As by the end of the semester. Yet, I had realized that this was not the field for me. I was not very interested in my science classes – and lab work was agony for me. If I didn’t enjoy working in labs, then what was the point of majoring in biology?

By the end of my first semester, I decided that I should change my major, but to what? I recalled that in high school, my favorite class had been psychology. I had always found the mind fascinating, and so I ended up choosing to major in psychology.

From there, I enjoyed my classes much more. This felt right to me. I felt like I was in the right field.

I had imagined that I would become a clinical psychologist, and so in my second year, I took the opportunity to intern with a therapist. Ultimately, this was much tougher than I had imagined. The therapist I interned with worked with adolescents and their parents. Sometimes, the issues they faced were quite heavy, and I found it difficult to forget their problems. Working with them, I was forced to realize that not all problems are fixable. Sometimes deaths in the family were involved heavy drug use, physical and sexual abuse, and so on. I couldn’t imagine myself listening to these types of problems all day – this didn’t seem right for me.

By the time I was in my 3rd year of college, I wasn’t sure what I would actually do with my life. (To transition smoothly from college to graduate school, I needed to be applying at this time.) Since I did not decide, I ended up delaying graduate school – taking a year off after I graduated from college. I knew that I wanted to go to graduate school, but I wasn’t sure what the focus should be.

I had considered studying criminology. I truly enjoyed the criminal behavior and criminal justice courses I took in college, and I discussed my options with one professor. He told me if I wanted a solid career outside of law enforcement, I should get my Ph.D. I was put off by this, as I didn’t want to spend that much time in school.

Ultimately, I decided that I should continue in psychology and figure out the most practical path to a career. Could I get a master’s and have a good job in psychology without going into the clinical/therapeutic field? It turned out that industrial-organizational psychology seemed to offer that path. (Basically, the field is about using psychology to help companies and organizations meet their goals.) It appeared to be the only master’s degree in psychology that would lead to a good job. Otherwise, I would need the Ph.D.

I ended up taking the only course on industrial-organizational psychology offered at Purdue, and I became friends with the professor. He urged me: “With your grades and GRE scores (similar to the SATs but for graduate school), you should apply to Ph.D. programs because you could get full funding (meaning I would get paid to go to school). If you change your mind later, you can always leave with a master’s degree.”

I took his advice and applied to some Ph.D. programs and a couple of master’s programs. I was accepted to most of the schools I applied to, and ultimately I went to the Ph.D. program at the University of Oklahoma – they had offered me a stipend and fellowship.

While I was there, I figured that I might as well get the Ph.D. I was fully funded to get 5 years of graduate school education, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of it?

Yet, things didn’t go as planned.

After a few weeks in the program, I wanted to drop out – as ridiculous as this may sound.

I started recording how much time I was working, and it was over 100 hours per week oftentimes. I was already slim, and I was losing weight. I lost my appetite, I didn’t know anyone in the state (as I’m from Indiana) except for the colleagues I had just met, and I had begun to fall into a depression.

(Falling into a depression is basically its own story, so I will skip that, for now, to keep things moving along.)

Eventually, I found my way out of the depression, but I felt like my spirit was dampened. I had been in the program for three years, and I was progressing just fine, but my heart was not in this. I had thoughts such as: Perhaps getting into this field because it would result in a job was not the best path. My interests were more in the cognitive area – so maybe I should have just gotten a Ph.D. in cognitive psychology. Actually, I never really wanted to pursue a Ph.D., so maybe I should have just gone to a terminal master’s program instead of a Ph.D. program.

After three years and with a master’s degree in industrial-organizational psychology, I decided it was time to quit. I wasn’t sure what I should have done instead of the path I took in life, but this path was no longer working out.

To this day, I don’t actually regret any of my choices – as I think they all made sense at the time. It made sense to major in biology for my first semester at Purdue, even though I wasn’t convinced about it. And it made sense to go into a Ph.D. program in industrial-organizational psychology, even though I had my doubts about being in school that long and whether I was pursuing this to have a stable job or because I truly wanted to do this. Then, it made sense to leave the program.

After leaving graduate school, I moved back to Indiana, and I was going to look for jobs in human resources. This seemed like the main path toward a career using my degree. However, the more I looked at job descriptions, the less interested I became, and eventually, I gave up on looking for positions.

My father made a point that was quite reasonable at that point. He said: “So you’re going to give up before you get started?” I thought it was a valid point, but I felt that this was truly not my path. I had spent some time pursuing paths that didn’t feel right for me, and I didn’t want to continue doing this anymore.

I needed to find my own path, and live out my purpose in my own way.

I considered a variety of life paths then. For example, I could become an X-Ray technician, a PC repair technician, a software tester, a video game designer (I actually spent time learning some programming), a crime scene investigator, or writing freelance articles online. Even if some of these required extra schooling or training, I preferred this to getting a job in human resources. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew that I was seeking some form of comfortable job that I could do. None of this is what my heart was truly in. And the last thing I wanted to do was invest time and money into learning a new field that my heart was not truly in.

The problem was I didn’t know what path was right for me. I didn’t know what job I was meant to do. Basically, I was lost.

Instead of pursuing a comfortable job, I ended up writing fiction for a couple of years. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was a lot of fun, but I don’t think this was my true purpose.

After a couple of years, I realized that writing fiction was not truly what I wanted to do full time. It didn’t feel like a real living. It just seemed like a way to pass the time. Also, I lacked direction – often, I wasn’t sure what to write, or I wasn’t convinced as to whether I had chosen the right project to work on. After working on writing all day, I was burning out every day, and I wasn’t even close to earning a living. This wasn’t fun anymore, and it wasn’t leading me toward figuring out where I wanted to be.

I realized that I did enjoy writing very much, but perhaps I was writing the wrong things. Could I write about something else?

Then I began writing books in the mind improvement topic. In writing to help other people, I felt that I was finally meeting my purpose. Eventually, I wrote books that considered broader personal growth themes. And now, with this blog, I consider self-development as well as philosophical ideas and societal growth.

The long winding road had been worth it. My mind, thoughts, and impact were expanding.

At this point, my main purpose is to help people – and the main vehicle for me in doing this has been through writing. I also strive toward my own personal growth – that way, I can use my lessons learned to help more people. My desire to improve myself and improve others both synergize with each other.

The reason for this post is that I want my readers to understand that the journey toward finding your purpose isn’t always straight, nor obvious, nor easy. Meeting your purpose can be a winding road, and that’s okay.

I find it’s actually best not to hang on too hard to needing to define your purpose in one way. When you don’t hang on to one way so much, you can adapt, change, and grow. If your purpose is too narrow, you may miss greater opportunities.

Sometimes new opportunities arise in my life, and I ask myself if I will help more people by pursuing this or if ultimately it will slow me down. Thinking this way helps to guide me along the best path.

As time goes on, I plan to continue to grow and evolve, but I suspect I will always be focused on helping people, especially my readers. I have figured out my main purpose, but what may change is exactly how I live out that purpose.

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This is Part 1 of 3 posts on finding purpose. Here are the other two posts:

STOP Resisting Your Purpose and START Living It

Dealing with Barriers on the Path to Living Your Purpose

Humble Yourself to Fulfill Your Universal Purpose

Sometimes I wake up during the night, and my mind is thinking about a variety of things going on in my life. I don’t always feel in control of it – the thoughts go on and on, from one concern to the next.

What is the commonality of all the thoughts I have? They all relate to me in some way.

Even if I am thinking of someone else, it is still about my perception of who they are, and usually, the people I think about directly influence my life somehow. My family members are like extensions of me (or I am an extension of them), so it doesn’t quite feel like a selfless act if I think of them.

No matter what or who I think about, I usually monitor if this person or thing brings me happiness, helps me succeed or provides me peace or valuable knowledge. My mind naturally seems to think: What is in it for me? Maybe this is not always a conscious thought, but I suspect most of us have it and make many of our decisions based on this.

By the nature of having a mind, and thoughts, and a single perspective all of the time, our thoughts tend to revolve around ourselves. Our thoughts make us the center of the universe. Everything that happens either affects us, which means it matters or does not affect us, and so it doesn’t seem to matter so much. It either makes our lives better, or it makes it worse.

So the mind is attracted to things that help the mind and the body it inhabits. This makes sense.

Most people I know are very focused on their journey to improving their own lives. However, it’s important that on this journey, we do not forget about everyone else. Some people are stuck: they don’t have the resources or a support system, or they lack self-confidence, or they may just be overwhelmed by the problems of their own lives. We should not forget about them.

I think it’s important that we sometimes humble ourselves. We need reminders that the universe is not here just for us alone. Whether something helps me or not is important to me personally, but that doesn’t mean it is of the highest universal importance.

On a universal scale, what do I matter? What do you matter?

We do matter, of course, but if every action in your life is built toward improving yourself and making yourself happier, richer, having fun experiences, and living conveniently, then are you living out your universal purpose?

It seems that we have a personal purpose, and then the universe has its own separate purpose. The personal purpose deals with making things better for ourselves as individuals. The universal purpose deals with making things better for the universe.

These are interdependent forces.

Often, the better you make things for yourself, the better the universe becomes too. But not always. And the better the universe becomes, usually the better you become as an individual. But not always.

We must look for ways to grow as individuals that also promote the growth of those around us (or of the universe).

When I was much younger, I was not so concerned with the growth of everyone around me. I wanted to grow, and that was my only true focus. But I started to observe that sometimes when people go down this path of doing what helps just themselves and disregarding everyone else, we end up with horrible outcomes.

If we are only self-focused, we can justify doing horrible things to other people as long as it helps us personally. And that is not the type of world I want to live in. I don’t need to elaborate with examples. Just read the news or scroll down your social media feeds. Many of the massive negative impacts in the world happen because someone or groups of people were so self-focused that they did not care how many people were hurt along the way.

It was not meant to be that way.

Nature intended for us to plant an apple tree, and then the apples would nourish many stomachs. Then other people would plant more apple trees, and the pattern would repeat. Somehow today, it seems more common to plant an apple tree, chop down all the rest, and sell the apples for a greater profit.

Let’s take a moment to self-reflect a bit. Are we truly helping to make things better for all or just for ourselves?

If we find that all our actions only help ourselves, we should consider more deeply what we can do to make things better on a grander scale, for more people, more beings.

When we find that we are very self-focused, what can we do?

We can humble ourselves.

We can learn to give more attention to the world at large, to the universe at large. We can learn to see ourselves as just a small part of this grand whole. I heard once that love is just giving our full attention to something. If your attention is always on yourself, then you love yourself. But can we spread some of that love and attention to the whole universe? I believe it is possible.

And if you love the universe, you love yourself anyway. You are part of the universe.

How exactly can we humble ourselves?

I suggest that you learn a new language and eventually travel to a country that speaks the language. Learning a language is a great skill to develop, of course, but at this moment, I’m not concerned with how to pad the resume. The purpose here is to humble ourselves. Trying to learn and speak a foreign language is very challenging, and it is very humbling. And we should seek to be humbled more often.

Spanish is my second language. And I would guess that I speak it better than 80% or more of people who speak it as a second language. As I grew up around Spanish speakers, I took Spanish classes for years, and I even lived in Mexico for a few years.

Yet, I still feel humbled and not so sharp when I am around nothing but native Spanish speakers. In Spanish, my thoughts and words come out much more slowly. I have to think to make sure I get the grammar and pronunciation right and to get the meaning across that I wished to. Sometimes people speak too quickly, and I struggle to keep up.

Even though my Spanish is good, going to a Spanish-speaking country is always humbling for me.

As another example, I lived in France for two years, and my French is very basic. Having an actual conversation is very difficult for me. Often, I will know a word, but people speak too fast, and I may not understand what they mean. Or it takes me too much time to understand what a collection of words actually mean as a whole phrase, even if I know the meanings of the individual words.

When I was living in Paris, I went to a government office to make a payment. I had just moved there, so I could not understand what the cashier was telling me. She kept repeating, “Règlement! Règlement!” She was getting agitated, even though I had already told her that I did not speak French. Her body language indicated that she could not believe how dumb I was not to understand her. Later, I realized that she was asking me how I wanted to pay.

These experiences are humbling to struggle to communicate with the people around you. It teaches you that perhaps you are not as important as you thought. And for many of us, this could be a good thing.

When learning a language, you will be like a child again. You will struggle to think through basic ideas. People may even treat you like a child, slowing down when they talk, perhaps even pointing at things to bring your attention to them. They may act as if you are not smart enough to understand certain ideas. They may avoid you.

My experience in every country I’ve traveled to has overall been positive. I don’t view these struggles as a negative thing. Being humbled is a very positive experience in the end. I wish more of us had the opportunity to be humbled.

When you travel, other things to keep in mind are that your culture, customs, and social habits will be the strange ones. In Paris, for example, you are expected to greet almost everyone – so shop clerks, colleagues, and so on. Usually, this is done with “Bonjour.” If you don’t do this, it is viewed as rude. And hugging is not common – usually, for friends or close relationships, they do two kisses on the cheeks.

This is humbling, too, to find that your way of life is not necessarily normal or common everywhere you go.

By the way, if you want to bypass the need to learn a language to humble yourself, there are other routes. If you have the opportunity to attend an event or meet up with people in a different field from yours, do it. If they are advanced enough in their fields and you have little enough knowledge of it, you will feel as if they are speaking a foreign language. You will feel very far behind, but this is good. This is humbling.

Otherwise, help someone at a level below you, even if there is nothing in it for you. Spend a bit of time reflecting on other people’s lives. What struggles are they going through? Don’t assume that you know the one right way to do everything. Give the people around you a chance to show you their way of doing things. When you catch yourself doing something to make yourself feel better or look better, ask if you can do something to help someone else instead. Don’t take all the credit for yourself when you have a big win – give thanks or praise to those who helped you get there.

To humble ourselves is to provide ourselves with a simple reminder:

We are not the center of the universe.

There is much more going on out there that is bigger than us, and that is certainly bigger than our self-focused thoughts, and that is bigger than our wishes for success, happiness, and so on. Our personal purpose is important, of course, but the universe also has its own purpose in store for us.

Meet your personal purpose. Work toward it every day. Fulfill your mind, heart, and soul. But do not forget your universal purpose along the way.

The universe wants you to be better, not just for yourself, but so that you can help the rest of the universe along the way too.

As part of your life’s journey, you should see yourself as one part of the universe that is there to help other parts of the universe (e.g., the people and life around you) to fulfill its universal journey.

Be More, Do Less

When you get up in the morning, and you prepare yourself for the day, most of us probably think, “Today, I am going to do A, B, and C, etc., tasks that I have on my to-do list.” And there is something about this that becomes exhausting. Everything on the to-do list is something that we tend to resist. If we didn’t resist it, why would we have to write it down?

Do you write down that you will eat, go to the restroom, love your significant other and kids, watch TV, and so on? Probably not, but you probably do all of these things. This is because these things are in your natural state of being.

Reflecting on these ideas helped me to come to a simple yet powerful realization. We should aim to do less and be more. The amusing thing here is that as far as behavior goes, it’s all the same. Being and doing end up in you performing some actions, usually. Someone who is observing you may not be able to tell the difference, whether you are being or doing at any given moment.

However, there is a clear mental difference. Any time I am doing, I am resisting something. Perhaps it is me that I am resisting. Perhaps it is society and the fact that it makes demands on me. Perhaps it is my family who has given me these extra tasks. Whatever it is, I feel that resistance. Maybe you do too.

And so, I have learned that a key goal of life should be to be more and do less. I still have to-do lists, as there are some things which must be done. But if your whole day constitutes trying to check items off a list, something is seriously wrong. Items to do are done mostly with the purpose of completing them, so most of your life will become a series of events that you were busy completing. This appears to be joyless, and strangely enough, purposeless.

If your purpose becomes to complete tasks, you will always feel that you are not fulfilled. This is because we create endless streams of tasks to complete. Every day you will wake up feeling de-energized, as whatever you accomplished in the past seems not even to matter. All that matters is this towering list of new stuff you have to complete, so you can then move on to the next series of stuff you have to get through.

By trying to have goals and impose purpose in your life, you have actually run away from it. It’s as if our purpose in life has become to have purpose through completing tasks. And somehow, paradoxically, this is the worst way to achieve true purpose in our lives.

Then, how do we accomplish our true purpose? Not through doing tasks, but through being who we already are. Purpose is about self-discovery and then being what we have discovered ourselves to be. And through being ourselves, we learn more about ourselves, which helps us be more centered with who we already are.

Unfortunately, when we become too task-focused, those tasks are usually not for ourselves, to begin with. Some tasks are because of the boss, the significant other, the kids, the neighbors, organizations we belong to, taxes or debts we owe, etc. And when we work on tasks for others as a big part of our day, we tend to feel as if our life is not in our hands. We are doing tasks not even for us, but for other people. And so we feel exhausted and drained because we are not being for ourselves, but we are doing for others.

Obviously, as you may be thinking now, real-life does constitute many tasks that most people don’t want to do. And for many of them, there is no good way around them. My point is that we may have more control than we think. If we consciously thought through our daily rhythms, we would find that no one is forcing us to go through certain tasks. We have made it up in our minds that we needed to do them and stress about fulfilling our own need to accomplish tasks endlessly.

Every day, ask yourself: How can I be more and do less?

Trust me when I tell you that every task on your to-do list does not need to get done. And trust me when I tell you that if you are resisting yourself and exercising all your willpower every day to get through your tasks, then something has gone horribly wrong.

An overnight life change may not be practical for you. But at least search for small ways to be more and do less.

For example, I used to have to-do lists for my business that were 4-5 pages long. This was reoccurring every week. Every week, I would check some things off and add some new items, and so my list was always 4-5 pages long. It always felt overwhelming, and through the years, I realized that I had a lot of resistance. I resented this list, and I had no one to blame for it because I happen to be my own boss.

Several months ago, I realized that most of the list was not that important, and I aimed to simplify my professional goals. Currently, I only have 1 page maximum of to-dos for my business. This has helped me focus more on being who I am rather than doing an endless set of tasks.

To be more and do less means asking yourself what the most important thing in your life is. Perhaps you have many important areas in your life – such as family, a career, hobbies, etc. You should ask yourself which areas of your life are most important. And perhaps, which sub-areas of your life are most important. When you know what truly matters, you can focus on being in the moment for those parts of your life.

When you focus on being, you will be more energized, fulfilled, and more in line with your true purpose in life. You may find that being so task-focused was robbing you of your own life, and you will be more committed to avoiding getting sucked into doing so much.

Most of us have to-do lists, but I have never heard of someone having a to-be list. This is because we naturally want to be beings. We are beings, not doings. So our natural state is to be who we are, and no one needs a reminder to be who they are.

To focus on being, aim to create situations where you can be yourself more comfortably. Or aim to surround yourself with people and settings that help you to be yourself. Strive to be with people who value you personally for who you are, rather than just for the number of tasks you can accomplish per day. I realized that most of my childhood friends were just people with whom I felt comfortable being me around – and I was shy, so this was not always easy to find. As a last note, if you have the power, you may consider creating systems or settings that allow others to focus more on being rather than just doing.

There is a big difference in how we live when we are being versus when we are doing.  I find that when I am being, I am focused on being mindful. I want to savor what is happening, I want to live the moment as deeply as I can, and I am enjoying the journey of being rather than needing to have an endpoint. Rather, when I am doing tasks, I often allow myself to enter into a mindless state. This means that I become okay with doing the task to get it done, just to get to the next task so I can get it done, and so on until everything is done.

So we have to ask: Are we meant to live mindfully or mindlessly? Are we meant to be or do?