The World No Longer Surprises Me

When you see what is happening in this world for what it actually is, it is difficult to be surprised.

Look at nature, and animals often do unpredictable things. We call them wild animals. Those unpredictable actions help them to stay alive. We are animals too, perhaps with more patterned ways of behaving, but we can still be unpredictable. It seems that if unpredictability is useful for survival in some ways, then expecting that unpredictability from others and our environment is also advantageous.

As they say, expect the unexpected.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone would ever be surprised.

Understand that because something appears in a certain way does not mean it is that way. Because one event has transpired the same way twenty times in the past does not mean it will happen that way in the future. Because someone treats you as a friend does not necessarily mean that his intentions are pure. Also, having experienced long spans of prosperity or failure does not mean the same will continue.

Consider that the most horrific event of your life could have a tremendously positive outcome that no one could have foreseen. And also, the greatest triumph of your life could have unexpected terrible consequences.

In light of the above observations, I am no longer surprised by what I see. The shock of seeing the depths of the ills can only go so long until it becomes nothing new.

If you have seen the world, you cease to be surprised by the tremendous ills that happen, which have no good reason or purpose but just happen and cause pain and destruction. Particularly, I mean the ills that we humans have created for ourselves and others in our lives.

Given enough time, the things we thought would not happen, or could not happen, will tend to occur. Just wait and see. (This reminds me of Murphy’s Law).

Consider: Would a cat’s head look at its tail and be surprised by how this part of itself is entirely different from the rest? Similarly, would one human be surprised at another just because they may not conform to each other in any way?

Many of us are not surprised when shocking events happen elsewhere, in another country, where the people have different laws and customs. But when it happens in our backyard, we are surprised. We don’t expect it to happen to us.

We may be jaded at the bad that happens to others, losing the space in our hearts to care, but we still feel unjustly wronged when it happens to us. And then, of course, we will feel more wronged if we realize that people don’t care about our misfortunes and troubles.

And I wonder if we should allow ourselves to feel the pain more acutely that is in the world, or at least the pain in those closest to us. Feel what it is doing to them and their lives and to you by being connected to that life. Don’t feel it so deeply that you can’t handle it and don’t know how to manage it. Rather, feel it enough so that you know you have felt it, and do what you are called to do because of that pain. Then allow that feeling to pass and move on with your life.

It is when we ignore the pain of the world and the people around us that we are truly shocked when that pain finally hits home. But if we have gained some practice in feeling that pain along the way, we can better manage it when it is our turn. We will feel peace knowing we did what we could to process, understand, and perhaps heal some pain.

Do not get stuck in the pain and dwell on it, but do feel it and use it as a way to better understand the human experience.

There are different ways to know pain. You may feel the pain as an insider, as someone experiencing it, knowing it, and needing to deal with the reality of it. Or you may not truly feel the pain as an outsider, as someone hearing a story about an event, perhaps reading statistics rather than feeling the experience. We can know the pain intellectually, or we can know it in our hearts.

We should sometimes dare to feel the pain as an insider, to truly feel it. Then we won’t be as jaded, and we will see that we can do something to help others who are in true pain, and we are not helpless and innocent bystanders to it. We are connected to it somehow.

Their pain can be shared with us, which may somehow lighten the load and deepen our human experience.

There will always be events that shock the world. This is simply the reality.

But keep in mind that a surprising negative event, when it happens anywhere in the world, can always be met by an equally surprising force for good.

When you are called upon, will you be there?

The most wonderful surprise will be when we surprise ourselves with an overflowing good that we had not allowed to come out before.

As I have stated, the world itself will cease to surprise one who has understood what it is.

But do not rule out the possibility of surprising yourself. That may be in the form of joyful spontaneity, or it may be in the form of doing good in the face of terrible darkness. This ability to always surprise oneself is a part of our life’s force, what it means to be alive.

Exercise: Create a Positivity Box

Today’s post is an excerpt from my book, 7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By: A Guide to the Happy, Peaceful, & Meaningful Life.

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Your Positivity Box could be an actual box, or it could just be a journal, notebook, or scrapbook (physical or digital) that contains quotes, music, videos, pictures, and general reminders of things that are positive in life. You may include a quote by Oprah Winfrey, such as: “Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher.” You may have the song Happy, sung by Pharrell Williams, or a card written by your child. Alternatively, you could include a list of everything you are grateful for. Another option is to include photos that record positive memories with family and friends. Any time you struggle to stay positive, open your Positivity Box, and remind yourself of all that is good in the world.

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7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By is available on Amazon, Google Play, Apple, Kobo, and Barnes & Noble, and other retailers.

Pursue Your Joy, Spread Your Joy

“It would have made things a lot easier if we understood there was no way of living that can immunize you against sadness. And that sadness is intrinsically part of the fabric of happiness. You can’t have one without the other.” – The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig

The new year is here. Have you fallen into the same old patterns as last year? Did you make resolutions, knowing that you probably won’t make them happen, because that’s how it usually goes? Or did you make a long list of things you want to do, and it’s simply too much, so you know that even if you want it to happen and work at it, you may not have the time and energy to make it happen?

Or, perhaps you made a shortlist of critical things in your life that you are motivated to change. And you made a list of specific steps or actions to take. Then great! I’m guessing you will fulfill your plans in that case.

Or, maybe last year was hard enough to get through, and you feel good about yourself if you’re just able to get by at this point. I’m sure that this is a reality for many of us.

As we make our plans for the new year, keep this in mind:

Let’s not forget what brings us true joy. Let’s do more of that, and put more of that out into the world.

I just saw The High Note yesterday, and Dakota Johnson’s character says that she wants to make music that can help people feel less alone. Music helped her get through hard times in her life, and she wants to make music that will do the same for others.

Sometimes I think we view the pursuit of our joy as something selfish, but that isn’t necessarily the case. Often, it seems that in bringing ourselves joy, we can create something and share it with others, and they can share in some of that joy with us.

Is there something that brings you joy that you have neglected? Could this also spread joy to others?

I believe it is never too late to learn, try something new, and become who you truly wanted to become. Personally, it gives me strength to see that the things that bring me joy could truly mean something to other people too. There is no way to know until you do it or create it and share it.

Often, we get stuck in a rut and repeat the patterns of yesterday, and the day before that, and even last year, and the year before that. The first step to break these patterns is to see that they are there. Some hidden forces are guiding you to do just what you did before, again and again. Going to the same places, talking to the same people, doing the same things. Maybe this is fine if this is what you wanted. But is it truly what you wanted?

If not, only you can choose to break free from the mold you’ve created for yourself.

I find that to move toward joy, you have to make a commitment to yourself, and perhaps to someone else too. Then, you have to make the time for what you really want to do. I sense that my mind is always subconsciously monitoring and thinking this:

What would I normally do at this time? Let’s do that.

At breakfast time, I eat breakfast. At work time, I work. When it’s time to eat dinner and relax and watch TV, I do that. At my usual reading time in the evenings, I read. Usually, in the evenings, I also do some quick chores such as cleaning up, dishes or running other errands. In the course of a normal day, most of my time slots are filled. So this leaves weekends to work out anything I want to accomplish beyond my work goals. I make it a point to leave my weekends mostly open. This can be good and bad. They’re open and free, so I can do anything, but in reality, this may be time that goes wasted.

I have patterns that tend to hold for my weekends. I may be inclined to sleep in later, watch more TV, and play video games, but instead of this, I should be asking myself: What will bring me true joy and help spread this to others as well?

And so, for me, as far as making time for joy goes, this is the solution. I need to more carefully examine my weekends to see if I could do something more. For example, I can make time to read, learn to cook a new dish, chat with friends and family, look for ways to help out the community, exercise, write and review my poems or short stories, and so on.

I have many, many goals, but it makes sense to take some of that free time on the weekends and convert it into something that brings a longer-lasting, higher-quality type of joy. For you, you may consider if you can make some time first thing in the morning, right before bed, during a lunch break, or perhaps on the weekends.

Ask yourself:

What time am I wasting, that I could use to do something that brings me joy?

I included the quote at the top of this post because it makes a good point that we should not forget. The sadness is inevitable. I pursue joy and wish to spread more of it, but there are times when anyone can feel sad or down. I’m not in the pursuit of pure bliss, as such feelings are, of course, fleeting. I aim to make the best of the moments that come my way. But I also aim to create a world (in my own small way) that can build better moments for us all.

I aim to be content with what is while still making improvements. This can seem paradoxical – as if you are content, why would you need to improve? However, I’m not just content but also tremendously grateful for everything in my life. I feel it is my responsibility to work hard, help people, and spread joy and wisdom however I can.

Joy is something that I do pursue, but I know that this is not something I can ever catch. You may as well try to catch the oxygen sitting in front of you. And the fact that joy inevitably will come and go also means that sadness will inevitably come and go. If joy leaves you suddenly, sadness will tend to come and fill its place.

Joy and sadness are a normal part of the ebbs and flow of this human life.

All we can do is try to sit in peace with this reality. And those who are filled with joy can do their best to spread some of that to those who truly need it.

Don’t Let This Year Pass By, Wasted. Pursue Your Joy. Spread Your Joy.

Don’t know what to do with your time? Consider doing something for your health, such as exercise, mental training, expressing your creativity, or volunteering to help those in need. If you love to do something, you can spread the joy by introducing someone else to the topic or activity.

How to Stay Positive (10 Tips)

Introduction

A reader wrote me this week to ask me for some advice on staying positive. I struggled tremendously with staying positive, but through the years, I have developed my own systems that work for me. I would encourage you to try out some of my tips below and be willing to experiment to see what works for you.

As a quick note before beginning, we should be aware that negativity does serve a purpose. It allows us to understand when there is a problem or something that is not working properly. If nothing else, it allows us to see that we should consider making a change in our lives.

Even from negative circumstances, there is something positive for us to take from it.

A conclusion I have come to is that everything is a form of practice. These days, I am actually grateful for much of the negativity that happens around me. I see it as something that allows me to practice a positive mindset.

Ready to begin? Here are 10 Tips on how to stay positive:

1.     Read Books on Positivity and Mindfulness

I especially recommend 7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By, and you can also pick up 365 Quotes to Live Your Life By (free eBook). They can make the biggest impact when read together or one after the next.

These books include some of the best advice I could give to live your life positively. While some of the advice in these books comes from personal experience, much of it comes from the timeless wisdom from around the world. To see further book recommendations, scroll to the bottom of this post.

2.     Surround Yourself with Positive People

Focus on those who have a positive outlook and who are working to improve themselves and their communities. In these times, as you may be isolated due to Covid, be sure to call or have a video chat with loved ones who tend to have a positive spirit. Of course, being around people who care about you and support you always makes you feel more positive.

3.     Share Your Concerns

When we are going through a difficult time, some people tend to withdraw or want to keep their thoughts and worries to themselves. Rather, it is important that we have family or someone close to us that we can confide in and share our troubles with. We should avoid dwelling too much on the negativity, but at the same time, it is important to acknowledge when something is troubling us, as this can help us to find a path forward through it. Even if you are sure that there is no solution or constructive way forward through your problems, it can still help to share them with people who you know will support you no matter what.

Personally, when I speak about my troubles out loud, I tend to realize that there is something I can do to make improvements. Then, this makes me feel more positive about the situation.

4.     Snap Out of It

If you get caught in negative thinking loops, don’t try to think your way out of the loop. Thinking sometimes leads us into further negativity, and instead, it is better to find something that can snap you out of it. I may do this by watching a standup comedian, playing a video game, going for a walk, being with nature, meditating, or even whistling along to music (you may prefer to sing or dance).

5.     Find Your Purpose

In my life, finding my purpose and meaning have been tremendously important. Without these, I tend to feel directionless and lost, and I would not be a very positive person. An overarching message I’ve seen in many books and places is that when you have a purpose, you develop the strong mindset needed to overcome anything. If something matters that much to you, then you will find a way to keep making progress. Essentially, the positive feeling you have toward what you truly care about will always outweigh the negativity or obstacles on your path when you have meaning and purpose.

6.     The Power of Now

There is great power in knowing how to be truly, truly present. When you are fully absorbed in what is happening Now, there is no room left in your mind for negativity. Negativity involves abstract ideas oftentimes, perhaps worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Still, the Now is the concrete reality that you are faced with every moment of your life. You can practice getting into the present by avoiding distractions, practicing meditation and mindfulness, and getting in the flow (see next point). To delve deeper into this topic, I recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

7.     Get in the Flow

When you are in Flow, you challenge yourself and focus completely on one thing, making your mind operate at its highest possible level. When you do this, there is no room for any negativity in your life. Working on your goal is all you have the time and energy for. To get into this state, I may play a challenging video game that requires all my focus or play a chess game. Otherwise, of course, I can work on writing a book or blog post.

To understand how to practice Flow in your life, read Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

8.     Let the Negativity Pass Through You

I don’t recall with certainty where I heard this advice, but I believe it was from one of the Dalai Lama’s books. The advice was that we should not hold onto negativity that others pass to us. Whenever someone directs negative energy toward me, I will visualize it as passing through me. When this happens to most people, they will acknowledge and hold onto it – becoming filled with hate and anger. If we do this, then we take this negative poison, and it can ruin our day. Instead, it is better to allow that negative energy to pass through you. You can choose not to allow it to make an impact on your life if you wish.

Do not hang onto the negativity that others toss your way. Release your grasp on it. Let it go.

I’m sure this can sound impractical and like wishful thinking. But I have practiced this for years, and it works for me. I was given an excellent opportunity to practice this today, as I just read the most scathing review of one of my books ever (0 out of 5 stars!). This reviewer found no value or use from one of my best books. I just let the negativity pass through me and spent no more time or energy on this after reading it.

9.     Take Meaningful Action

As mentioned before, you should work on snapping out of your negative thinking by getting away from your thoughts. One way to do this is to take meaningful action. A problem I have often seen, and that I’ve had myself, is that we get overwhelmed with a task, and then we get stuck thinking negatively about it. This becomes a vicious cycle, as then we don’t take action, and we don’t make progress. Then we may fall further and further behind, getting stuck in a negative thought loop.

Instead, I try to get in the zone of taking meaningful actions. For example, I don’t like to do the dishes, laundry, or other household chores, but I’ve learned to appreciate them because I see them as meaningful actions. Stop seeing your actions as worthless and inconsequential, and perceive the meaning in them. I do the dishes and the laundry to keep my living space clean and orderly because this makes me feel good. The messier my personal space becomes, the more chaotic my mind tends to become as well.

Even if you have a task that you truly cannot stand, but you have to do it, then the meaning should be to get it out of the way so that you can get to other activities you actually care about. I find that the more active I get, the less negative I tend to be. Of course, one way many people stay active and that helps them to combat negativity is to engage in physical exercise regularly.

10.  If Needed, Seek Professional Help

I am not a clinical psychologist, so my advice can be of limited value for someone who is struggling tremendously. After a certain point where your thoughts or behaviors prevent you from living your normal life or from making progress on your goals, you should consult a doctor, psychologist, or therapist. If you would like some professional help in book form, an excellent guide is From Depression to Contentment by Bob Rich, a retired psychotherapist with a lifetime of dealing with his own depression and helping clients work through it as well.

Final Thoughts

I have made great efforts to maintain a positive mindset and expect positive things to happen in my life while putting in the work to get there. All I can tell you is that these tips have worked very well for me. Of course, I understand that sometimes things happen outside of our control that can guide us into negativity. For that reason, we must Practice our Positivity regularly. This way, when we need it the most, we will know how to use it effectively to overcome the obstacles of our lives.

One of my blog posts discusses (on tip #7) how we can create happiness in our lives, even if we may be dealing with a situation that is not ideal. It’s an inspirational post on the life of Oliver James and how he is overcoming his struggles with learning to read at 34 years old.

Recommended Reading

7 Thoughts to Live Your Life By by I. C. Robledo

365 Quotes to Live Your Life By by I. C. Robledo

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

From Depression to Contentment by Bob Rich

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie

The Book of Joy by Dalai Lama XIV

An Open Heart by Dalai Lama XIV

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Tools of Titans by Timothy Ferriss

Community Acts of Kindness

In this society, a lot of strain is placed on teachers and schools: they are expected to take care of all of a child’s needs in some cases since some parents cannot do this on their own.

A lot of strain is placed on police: they are expected to deal with a wide range of societal problems that no one else wants to deal with.

A lot of strain is placed on parents: they are expected to raise children well while dedicating themselves fully to their jobs. If these parents have older parents of their own, they may be faced with parenting children and caring for their parents all at once.

Much strain is placed on college students: they are expected to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives and pursue that major, yet there is no guarantee that there will be jobs when they graduate. The field that they study may not even exist in a few years.

There is a lot of strain placed on those with poor health or those with disabilities: how can they be expected to thrive when they must deal with lost time, energy, and the financial costs of their illness.

There is much strain placed on most people who live through some of the above or have family members who are living through other strains that I did not mention.

At some point, we must realize that no single profession can take on all of these strains. A teacher cannot fix it when a child is facing neglect in their home. The police cannot fix it when that child grows up to commit crimes. The solution of putting this person in jail is not a real solution. The real solution would have been to prevent this from happening in the first place. The parents of this criminal cannot fix it when they had decided long ago to work two jobs each to keep the lights on at home. They never made time for their own child.

The college student cannot fix it when he has taken 100k dollars in loans to get a degree in something that employers view as irrelevant. His guidance counselor never mentioned the risk of that when he was studying hard to earn good grades.

Those in poor health cannot fix it when they have to choose between spending money on taking care of their health or getting educated in a field that will help them have a good career.

Many people are strained enough that they can’t see beyond their immediate situation.

Expecting some of these professions to fulfill their roles perfectly can have disastrous effects. In reality, no one will fulfill their roles perfectly, so as individuals, we need to take on more – if we are in the position to do so.

If we can help someone, we should do it. If I can help some people in my community, this helps build a better community for all of us.

Many people surely will think that they are not in the position to help anyone. But it’s not as complicated as we may think. We all have a set of skills. If someone needs your help and cannot pay, consider helping out pro bono (without charging them). If you need certain materials to do the work, then tell them to pay for the materials and that you will do the rest.

For example, perhaps you make your living working at a company, earning a decent salary. But you also have many handy skills. If a coworker needs some help around the house, you may volunteer to help out one day, and you may not ask for any compensation if you know that he is struggling. Or perhaps this coworker is new and just moved in. He has plenty of other costs and things to worry about, and so it would be a great help to him if he did not have to pay you.

If you own a business and a client is paying for a wide variety of services, and at the last moment the client notices that he actually needs more services from you, you may perform a small additional service at no added cost as a “thanks” to this client. Or you may look for creative ways to help him that don’t require much extra work on your part without increasing his costs.

The better you are doing in your own life, the more you should look for opportunities to add value to the people around you, even if it does not necessarily increase your own profits.

We live in very profit-driven societies. We are obsessed with currency because it is a hard metric that we can track. We can look at our bank statements and see that the figures are going up or down or staying steady. With so many other important areas in our lives, they are not always so easily trackable.

For example, we do not have a device that measures love, peace, happiness, or wisdom. These are immeasurable, so we tend to disregard them in our societies that place great value on data. We treat them as unimportant when they are actually critical features of a properly functioning society.

Our thinking needs to shift more to being like a gardener. If I plant a peach tree and watch it grow, I am not concerned if it bears no fruit the first season I plant it. Maybe it is still young and needs time to grow. Maybe in the second year, it will give me a few peaches, but maybe in the third year, it will provide loads more peaches than I need.

The fruits come when they come – all I can do is nurture them to grow and wait patiently.

Practice your patience, and stop needing everything to happen right now.

Likewise, with our communities, the fruits will come when they come. If I meet a neighbor and find out her child struggles in algebra, I may think back to my own childhood. I found algebra to be highly frustrating, and I thought I would never understand it. But eventually, through hard work and through the kindness of my teacher, who tutored me pro bono, I was able to understand it quite well. And so, I may volunteer to help a neighbor’s child whenever he has a problem he is stuck on. (These days, there are so many online resources to help with these kinds of issues, but they did not exist when I was a child.)

These are small steps, but that is fine. We are all busy with our own lives, but there is so much more that matters beyond our own personal concerns.

Surely you have your own struggles, but ask yourself if you have all that you truly need. Do you have much more than you need? If you do, start thinking of others around you, of your community.

This neighbor’s child struggling through algebra may end up becoming a mathematician. Without my help, he may never have realized that he actually enjoyed the topic very much.

We never know what kinds of fruits will come from our actions or how much time they may take to truly blossom, but that is the wonderful thing about these community acts of kindness.

Even if the fruits of your labors are not always your own to profit from, there is a tremendous pleasure that comes from knowing that you have helped someone to become a better version of themselves. To help someone overcome an obstacle that is holding them back can also be life-changing.

When your community is able to thrive, there will be cascading effects. If one community is thriving, that community will help neighboring communities, and this positive, helpful energy will gradually spread through and through. From one community to the next, one city to the next, then one state to the next, then one country to the next.

It is not so easy, and I don’t mean to make it sound that way. But it all begins with a simple step from one individual. That one individual could be you today.

When someone asks you for help today, don’t cast them aside so easily. Take a few minutes and see what you can do to help. If you can, avoid setting up a “Wall of Busyness” where you are so busy with your own life that you cannot do anything for anyone else.

We tend to value our independence and figuring out our troubles on our own – but no one truly does everything on their own. The self-made man or woman is an illusion. No one is born, and taught, and guided toward greatness all on their own. We can achieve quite a lot through our own willpower, but we still need others to get there.

So it would be a step in the right direction if we continued to value our independence, but it is also important that we place more value on helpfulness. People need help to become fully independent. And people need help to thrive and arrive at a position where they can also help others.

Don’t judge someone just because they are at a lower level in the game of life. See what you can do to push them forward. You may be surprised to find where they end up.

So many people are on social media now. You may consider looking for groups or communities in your social media channels that correspond to your physical location. Perhaps someone near you could use a helping hand.

Or you may look for ways to help people who need advice in an area that you have expertise in. There are online communities for every conceivable skill, problem, and interest.