Stop Looking For It

Whatever it is you seek in this life….

Whether love, happiness, peace, money, joy, respect, knowledge, wisdom….

At a time in your life, release yourself from the deep yearning to have this for yourself….

Allow yourself to experiment, to see that perhaps in stopping the act of searching for it, and in halting the desire for it, it will come on its own….

The desire to make it happen may have actually been holding you back, interfering with your progress….

In my life….

I have said to myself….

To heck with it, if she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like me….

(After dealing with crippling social anxiety.)

Then she liked me….

I have said, if I stop reading and I become ignorant and foolish, then so be it….

(It’s not that I don’t read, but I am willing to go through periods where I don’t read anything.)

Then I became wiser….

I have said, if I am unable to be tranquil because of a chaotic environment and situation (out of my control), then oh well….

And I found peace through the storms, even practicing meditation/mindfulness through them at times….

I have said if I invest in this thing I believe in, and it fails miserably, then at least I did something I believe in….

Many of those investments (in my own book projects, for example) did fail, economically speaking, but enough succeeded and they carried me forward into a deeper journey of learning, growing, and writing….

Over and over, I found that in releasing myself from the desire for an expectation, the desired expectation came true anyway, often right after I gave up on it.

As a chess player, one of the best things you can do in a losing position is to say to yourself “Okay, I am utterly defeated.” As soon as you truly accept that defeat, you open yourself to strange, threatening problems to pose your opponent.

There is magic in that moment where you see the futility and stare straight into it.

You accept defeat for a moment, but then you press on, never truly giving up. Even if there is one window of opportunity, that is all you need.

True awareness is where you find that thing you were searching for….

You come to understand that “I will never find this love – it is simply beyond me, but one day, maybe it will find me, if I keep on doing what I know I must do in this life….”

You give up, but just temporarily.

Then somehow, people in your life come to sense your newfound inner-worth, because you know you no longer need anyone else, and they become attracted to you.

More importantly, your love for yourself will finally have grown, as you stopped measuring your life by whether another person loved you….

Here is another example….

A few years ago, I developed tinnitus (ringing in one ear), and at a certain point, it was bad enough that I actually didn’t know how I would be able to focus again, with this loud, annoying, constant piercing sound in my ear. I had developed regular headaches, and it was a miserable experience.

But at a certain point, I accepted defeat, rather than searching for what to do about it.

I stopped looking for the feeling of relief from the tinnitus. I stopped hoping for it to go away.

I told myself that this tinnitus ringing sound isn’t even there. My brain is producing the noise (I believe this is actually true, medically speaking). This sound isn’t important. It’s nonexistent. I will go about my life like always. And I did.

And soon enough after that, the “sound” eased off. I barely noticed it anymore. I’m not sure if it actually got better, if I simply stopped noticing it, or both.

Strangely, in giving up on looking for any relief or solutions, it mostly went away. Now, it is quite mild and doesn’t affect my life.

(Of course, the one thing I did and continue to do, is protect my ears from loud noises, but that does not make the tinnitus go away.)

Understand this….

Typically, our life problems are self-created, working in cycles, over and over. And we exhaust ourselves simply to repeat them….

The desire to escape the pain or troubles, somehow actually manifests them, over and over.

If you truly inspect your life and see it for what it is, you are likely to find that you must do something different.

You must actually stop wanting that thing that you think you want, in order to get it.

And if you don’t get it, you may find that your life blossoms in other ways that you never could have guessed.

Of course, if you had a goal, you went directly for it, and you achieved it, then you are done. There is nothing else to do….

But I am speaking to those who have spent themselves totally, drained their life’s energy for a pursuit, only to have it escape them, perhaps over and over….

What else is there to do?

Accept defeat, even if just for now….

What is the worst that could happen?

Abandon the goal, or if not, at least abandon the hope that it will turn out in a certain way.

Let it go.

Find freedom there, in not needing everything to happen in a particular way.

Allow yourself to play with this life, to explore and see where it goes, rather than needing something from it.

Perhaps you can have love, happiness, peace, money, joy, respect, knowledge, or wisdom, just not in the way you had expected to find it….

Stop Looking

But still be there, present, aware, ready for when what you desire arises on its own….

Ready for when the ingredients to make it happen all line up for you….

Give it a month….

You’ve spent years or decades trying to get there….

If it didn’t happen, give yourself a month of not looking. Give it an honest try.

Get back into a hobby, play a musical instrument, get in touch with old friends, write a book, or whatever keeps your mind off of this so-called goal.

See how it goes.

Let me know….

Life is Therapy

When you go through something troubling, remember that life can be its own form of therapy if you allow it. Life always has a way to help you heal the pain.

You can go for a walk or jog and see where your journey takes you, going wherever the path leads you….

You can listen to music, and allow it to take you to a peaceful plane, or to work out a certain emotion….

You can sit with a friend, and talk about the most trivial things, and let it be, or just have a laugh over nothing in particular….

You can see a dog with its head out the window of a car, truly joyful, perhaps beyond what most humans even experience, and let that sink in….

You can plant a seed and watch it grow and flower….

You can gaze into the clouds, or into the starry night, and search as far as you can….

You can lend a helping hand, finding the person who needs help more than you do….

Even when you are deeply troubled, unsure how to proceed, life can act as a form of therapy, helping you along through the storm.

You can sit back and listen with your whole body, not just your ears, and truly take in all that is happening as it happens, wherever you are, quieting the part of you that must explain and interpret all that it sees and hears….

You can find it in you to let go, to truly let go of whatever you have held onto so dearly, unable to let it be, and finally begin to open the path to somewhere….

You can observe a tree, the changing leaves of autumn, flowing with the wind, strong yet still….

You can sit in gratitude for the chance to experience anything at all, even the pain or troubles which have ultimately molded you into what you needed to be….

You can express yourself in any way that your heart would be contented to do, giving of yourself to the world….

You can simply be kind, patient, and heartfelt, even when these have not been granted to you….

How many examples must there be, infinite examples truly, where life is its own therapy? We simply must be aware and awaken to it.

Remember that for any troubles and pains, you can work through them and come out better on the other side.

Take a Breath

Take a slow and deep breath in and out right now and see how it feels.

It feels good. We should do it more often with conscious awareness.

Taking a breath can help avoid some tricky situations, as it provides an action that gives you a few seconds to relax and stop reacting to what is happening to you as if you were a machine.

I think we could all use this reminder to take a breath. Perhaps you’ve heard it before. Perhaps someone has told you to do this, and you thought it was silly. Today, try it out anyway and see what happens (especially if you didn’t do it above):

Take a Breath

Today, before you respond to hate with hate, take a breath.

Before you respond to toxicity with toxicity, take a breath.

Before you respond to someone who exaggerates or misrepresents the facts by doing the same thing yourself, take a breath.

Before you allow yourself to get triggered by the statements you read online, take a breath. And if this happens a lot, maybe take a break from visiting those sites.

Before you make someone feel inferior or as if they are not important, take a breath.

Before you think you know it all and that someone else knows nothing take a breath.

Before you feel the need to get back at someone who wronged you, take a breath.

Sure, life isn’t always that easy. But sometimes, we are just making things harder than they have to be. Sometimes we can feel like we must react and respond to everything happening around us, but that isn’t true.

Keep in mind that getting into heated debates with people is not a game with any real winners.

We have to be willing to take a step back when someone makes a hurtful comment and think:

• Does the commenter seem genuinely interested in having a calm and reasonable discussion? (He should not be obviously trying to provoke a reaction). If yes, proceed.

• Does the comment have some truth or basis in reality? If yes, proceed.

• Am I capable of having a reasonable discussion with this person? If yes, proceed.

• Will I know when to walk away if this ends up being an attempt to trigger me into getting angry and upset? If yes, proceed.

These are straightforward questions to ask yourself. If you cannot answer yes to all of these, do not get involved with people who make hurtful or potentially triggering comments. What is the point in walking into situations that will make you angry, upset, and feeling foolish?

Many of us have become obsessed with needing to be “right” and lost sight of whether being right even matters. If you “win” an argument by being toxic about it, then no one learns anything. You will end up becoming more set in your ways, and so will the person you argue with. Nothing is accomplished – in fact, it makes things worse somehow.

So the next time you feel the need to be right, take a breath.

Anytime someone does or says something that may have been intended to provoke or upset you, take a breath first.

Take more breaths in your day – nothing bad will come from it.

If someone asks why you are taking breaths, tell them it is to create a pause in between thought and action, or action and reaction, so that you can see and act with clarity. Encourage them to do it too.

Think – what would happen if the entire planet took a moment to take a breath at the same time? It would be a moment of peace and happiness, wouldn’t it?

The Value of NOT Thinking

I find it valuable to think – it helps us identify problems and find ways to resolve them. But oddly enough, there may be a great deal of value in not thinking that most of us are unaware of.

Have you ever had an experience that was supposed to be fun, but you got caught up in thought? You were busy wondering if this was as fun as something else you had done if the hot weather was ruining the experience, if you had too much work to do, and should not even be having fun in the first place.

The thoughts rolled on and on, as you almost forgot you were even having this so-called fun experience. The experience that seemed to be so much fun actually turned into a series of thoughts in your mind. Your thoughts pounded in your head, and the experience faded into the background.

Many people go on yearly or periodic vacations. And I think what we often want is to get away from our lives, ourselves, and thoughts. But what do you do when the same old thoughts you always had follow you around everywhere you go?

Can we take a vacation from thinking?

Even if you master your thoughts and don’t allow them to interfere with your experience of being and living, how will you react when people around you are bombarded by thoughts? Meaning well, they may feel the need to avoid uncomfortable silences and constantly talk about the weather, their kids, their lives, and their plans. And communication is a wonderful thing, but just as with thoughts, sometimes communication can get in the way of the experience we are having.

What if someone near you asks: Are you enjoying yourself? Do you need more of something? What do you think of that thing that just happened, that was wonderful, wasn’t it? We should take a picture – let’s pose for one here. Etc.

This sort of behavior will, of course, take us away from the experience. And we cannot always control our own thoughts, let alone the thoughts and actions of the people around us.

The first step here is to figure out if your constant thoughts are getting in the way of truly experiencing your own life. Is the analysis of everything that happens to you actually holding you back? Do you have to find meaning in everything you do, or are you let down by the fact that something was just a normal life experience that didn’t result in anything useful?

The topics I discuss on this site are not meant to cripple us in thought and anxiety over whether we are making improvements in our lives. That would be counterproductive. If you become depressed or anxious over your inability to improve in your life, then we need to reset your expectations and perhaps take a break from thinking.

Sometimes our thoughts hold us back, even if they appear to be useful or positive. This is a strange thing for many of us to realize. Our own thoughts that seem to be trying to help us can actually get in the way. Even seemingly good thoughts can get in the way of experiencing something to the fullest.

We are not our thoughts.

This is something many people fail to realize. Some people have a very dark thought, and they become distraught. They think this means they are a bad person because they have had this horrible thought. The thoughts are not just coming from us. They are produced by all of our life experiences and all that we have seen. We have all seen darkness – in ourselves, in some behaviors of the people around us, and most certainly in the news, movies, and other media. Many thoughts are not our own. Rather they are created by our experiences with the outside world.

When I have thoughts that are not especially helpful, I pretend that there is an iPad in front of me, and the sole purpose of this iPad is to record all of my thoughts. It records every single thing that happens in my head, line by line. When you see it that way, you see your thoughts as separate from yourself, and you can select the ones that are useful and forget about the rest.

The main tool I have used not to allow thinking to interfere with my experiences is to meditate. Everyone has heard about this now, so it is nothing new. To explain briefly, when you meditate, you sit quietly and observe your thoughts passing through you. You do not need to hang onto them or dwell on them. If you wish to begin, start with a few minutes of meditation per day and gradually work your way into it more deeply. Over time, this can create radical changes in the way you think or don’t think.

Mindfulness can also be useful. With mindfulness, you train yourself to be more aware of nature and what is happening around you. Rather than get lost in thought, you aim to immerse yourself in the environment around you.

The more you think, the more those thoughts crowd out the whole experience you are having. The more you focus on the experience fully and the physical sensations it causes, the less room you will have to obsess over your thoughts.

Experience more. Think Less.

As much as I think deeply, this is counterbalanced because I spend much of my time in a non-thinking mode. For example, as I write now, my mind is only on what I am doing. I have trained it not to worry about any other problems or goals that I have in my life. This is my sole focus. So I am thinking, but only on what is necessary at the moment. In anything I do, I aim to immerse myself into it, only focusing or thinking about what is necessary. Even if I have other thoughts, I don’t focus on them. I don’t give them extra attention.

These patterns are a daily practice. If you find that you have a huge log of thoughts piling up in your head every day, holding you down rather than helping you, it will help to practice meditation or mindfulness. Yoga, martial arts, or other physical exercises may produce similar results for some people as well. You can also consider having a professional massage or going to the sauna.

Whatever it is, find something that will help you to have a vacation from thinking (or perhaps a mini-vacation). This can be used as a tool to refresh and reenergize your mind to make your thinking more clear and powerful.