What is the Point of Conflict?

There is plenty of conflict in this world, even if we don’t go looking for it.

When I was in graduate school, one of my colleagues was a Mormon – let’s say “Jim,” and one Friday, apparently most of my colleagues didn’t have much work to do, and so they sat around his desk, and it became “Ask a Mormon” day.

Many of the questions were calling into question the credibility of his religion. They pointed to some unusual practices, and they would ask him if he actually believed in that.

Jim took it quite well and did not seem uncomfortable about it – I’m guessing this wasn’t his first time being ambushed. I asked a few questions too. I felt at the time that I was asking them in a neutral way and not trying to add fuel to this “fire” that seemed to be more about seeking entertainment by trying to poke holes in someone’s belief system.

Jim’s answers to everything were pretty reasonable – I recall that he stated some practices he engaged in were a matter of tradition and community-building. Later on, I regretted having taken part in this interaction. I didn’t like the approach or attitude of some of my colleagues, who actually seemed to enjoy trying to start a conflict. They questioned in ways that bordered on being disrespectful and antagonistic.

After this interaction, I thought: What was the point? What was anyone trying to accomplish?

Just as Jim had his beliefs, it seemed that most of us had our beliefs about what Mormonism was, and our minds were probably never going to be changed. Neither would Jim’s, obviously - he was born and raised a Mormon, and most of his friends and family were also Mormon.

Again, I come back to the key question – what was the point of this interaction/conflict?

As far as I can tell, the point was that some of my colleagues found it amusing to try to show off their intellect or superiority by looking for holes in the Mormon belief system. It seemed like if they made Jim doubt his beliefs, my colleagues would gain points. In the end, neither side won anything, and they were left at a standstill. This “game” was not very satisfying, and afterward, as I said, I regretted even having been there. One of my other colleagues admitted to me in private that she had felt the same way as me. By being bystanders and idle participants, we felt like we were encouraging it.

I wish more of us would ask ourselves this before seeking or participating in conflicts:

What is the point of this conflict? What can anyone gain from this?

More often than not, here is what you can expect from a conflict:

•       Hurt feelings

•       People making fools of themselves

•      No one changing their minds

•       People believing more firmly in their own beliefs and even less in the opposition

•       Friends becoming enemies

•       A waste of time, as none of your goals, are accomplished

Of course, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you should avoid all conflicts. Sometimes, you need conflict to learn and grow or come to a common understanding with someone. Other times, if someone brings conflict to you, you may need to defend yourself. But usually, these conflicts are not over deeply held beliefs that you know no one will ever change.

If you want to engage in a conflict that you know you can win with “facts” and “logic,” be aware that your opposition may disagree with your facts, making your logic irrelevant. You can’t win if your opposition refuses to follow your facts and line of reasoning. Then again, the point should not be to win - we’re not talking about high school debate teams. Rather, it should be to come to a common understanding of something. To hopefully do something constructive rather than destructive.

From what I have seen, most of us are more concerned with appearing to be right rather than actually being right. We are not interested in finding facts and then following the objective line of reasoning. We want to find a convenient story that makes us feel good, and we gain points if we make the other side look bad. This increases the divide between us. And ultimately, there will be no winners if we proceed that way. Read here to learn what actually guides human behavior besides reason.

I’m at a point where I want no part in unnecessary conflicts. I find that the vast majority of them are unnecessary. I can’t remember when I had a conflict with anyone (okay, minor squabbles with a spouse or family member do not count). Believe me, I’ve received the invitations into conflict. Someone will invite me into a conflict, and I politely decline.

Sometimes no response is the best response. Feel free to take a moment to stop and take a breath - this will help you to avoid doing something you will regret.

I want to wrap up by saying something about Jim. When I was moving out of the state (a 17-hour drive), Jim was the only person willing to help me on a Saturday at 7 AM to carry all of the things from my house into a moving truck. He happened to be very efficient and helped me to get it done quickly. He told me he had gotten a lot of practice from helping people in his church to move. His willingness to help is something I will never forget. Now when I hear someone question the Mormon belief system, I tell them this.

In the end, it seems that our character and actions speak louder than our privately held beliefs.

My Purpose Journey – A Winding Road

It was always a struggle to figure out what to do with my life when I was younger. The decision seemed so big and overwhelming, and there was so much pressure to get it right.

One wrong turn and I felt my life would be ruined – overly dramatic perhaps, but it’s how I often felt.

Starting in high school, I wasn’t sure what direction to go in. I thought my science classes were interesting, and I was doing well in them, so I figured I would end up majoring in science by the time I got to college.

When it came time to choose my major, I began second-guessing everything. I considered many different majors, but one of the ones I was considering more closely was anthropology. Others such as biology, psychology, philosophy, and sociology had also crossed my mind.

My brother was already in college, and I told him I wasn’t sure what to major in. He pointed out that since biology was one of my interests, I should major in that. He said that it’s easier to switch out of science than it is switching into it. If I changed my mind later, it would not be a problem for me this way.

The feedback made sense, and so reluctantly (as I knew this would be quite the challenge), I majored in biology at Purdue University. The workload ended up being the most extreme I had ever encountered. I felt like I never stopped studying. Many students struggled to pass biology, and a large portion were actually dropping out or failing out of the chemistry class. I was so worried about failing that I studied all the time, and I managed to get nearly all As by the end of the semester. Yet, I had realized that this was not the field for me. I was not very interested in my science classes – and lab work was agony for me. If I didn’t enjoy working in labs, then what was the point of majoring in biology?

By the end of my first semester, I decided that I should change my major, but to what? I recalled that in high school, my favorite class had been psychology. I had always found the mind fascinating, and so I ended up choosing to major in psychology.

From there, I enjoyed my classes much more. This felt right to me. I felt like I was in the right field.

I had imagined that I would become a clinical psychologist, and so in my second year, I took the opportunity to intern with a therapist. Ultimately, this was much tougher than I had imagined. The therapist I interned with worked with adolescents and their parents. Sometimes, the issues they faced were quite heavy, and I found it difficult to forget their problems. Working with them, I was forced to realize that not all problems are fixable. Sometimes deaths in the family were involved heavy drug use, physical and sexual abuse, and so on. I couldn’t imagine myself listening to these types of problems all day – this didn’t seem right for me.

By the time I was in my 3rd year of college, I wasn’t sure what I would actually do with my life. (To transition smoothly from college to graduate school, I needed to be applying at this time.) Since I did not decide, I ended up delaying graduate school – taking a year off after I graduated from college. I knew that I wanted to go to graduate school, but I wasn’t sure what the focus should be.

I had considered studying criminology. I truly enjoyed the criminal behavior and criminal justice courses I took in college, and I discussed my options with one professor. He told me if I wanted a solid career outside of law enforcement, I should get my Ph.D. I was put off by this, as I didn’t want to spend that much time in school.

Ultimately, I decided that I should continue in psychology and figure out the most practical path to a career. Could I get a master’s and have a good job in psychology without going into the clinical/therapeutic field? It turned out that industrial-organizational psychology seemed to offer that path. (Basically, the field is about using psychology to help companies and organizations meet their goals.) It appeared to be the only master’s degree in psychology that would lead to a good job. Otherwise, I would need the Ph.D.

I ended up taking the only course on industrial-organizational psychology offered at Purdue, and I became friends with the professor. He urged me: “With your grades and GRE scores (similar to the SATs but for graduate school), you should apply to Ph.D. programs because you could get full funding (meaning I would get paid to go to school). If you change your mind later, you can always leave with a master’s degree.”

I took his advice and applied to some Ph.D. programs and a couple of master’s programs. I was accepted to most of the schools I applied to, and ultimately I went to the Ph.D. program at the University of Oklahoma – they had offered me a stipend and fellowship.

While I was there, I figured that I might as well get the Ph.D. I was fully funded to get 5 years of graduate school education, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of it?

Yet, things didn’t go as planned.

After a few weeks in the program, I wanted to drop out – as ridiculous as this may sound.

I started recording how much time I was working, and it was over 100 hours per week oftentimes. I was already slim, and I was losing weight. I lost my appetite, I didn’t know anyone in the state (as I’m from Indiana) except for the colleagues I had just met, and I had begun to fall into a depression.

(Falling into a depression is basically its own story, so I will skip that, for now, to keep things moving along.)

Eventually, I found my way out of the depression, but I felt like my spirit was dampened. I had been in the program for three years, and I was progressing just fine, but my heart was not in this. I had thoughts such as: Perhaps getting into this field because it would result in a job was not the best path. My interests were more in the cognitive area – so maybe I should have just gotten a Ph.D. in cognitive psychology. Actually, I never really wanted to pursue a Ph.D., so maybe I should have just gone to a terminal master’s program instead of a Ph.D. program.

After three years and with a master’s degree in industrial-organizational psychology, I decided it was time to quit. I wasn’t sure what I should have done instead of the path I took in life, but this path was no longer working out.

To this day, I don’t actually regret any of my choices – as I think they all made sense at the time. It made sense to major in biology for my first semester at Purdue, even though I wasn’t convinced about it. And it made sense to go into a Ph.D. program in industrial-organizational psychology, even though I had my doubts about being in school that long and whether I was pursuing this to have a stable job or because I truly wanted to do this. Then, it made sense to leave the program.

After leaving graduate school, I moved back to Indiana, and I was going to look for jobs in human resources. This seemed like the main path toward a career using my degree. However, the more I looked at job descriptions, the less interested I became, and eventually, I gave up on looking for positions.

My father made a point that was quite reasonable at that point. He said: “So you’re going to give up before you get started?” I thought it was a valid point, but I felt that this was truly not my path. I had spent some time pursuing paths that didn’t feel right for me, and I didn’t want to continue doing this anymore.

I needed to find my own path, and live out my purpose in my own way.

I considered a variety of life paths then. For example, I could become an X-Ray technician, a PC repair technician, a software tester, a video game designer (I actually spent time learning some programming), a crime scene investigator, or writing freelance articles online. Even if some of these required extra schooling or training, I preferred this to getting a job in human resources. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew that I was seeking some form of comfortable job that I could do. None of this is what my heart was truly in. And the last thing I wanted to do was invest time and money into learning a new field that my heart was not truly in.

The problem was I didn’t know what path was right for me. I didn’t know what job I was meant to do. Basically, I was lost.

Instead of pursuing a comfortable job, I ended up writing fiction for a couple of years. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was a lot of fun, but I don’t think this was my true purpose.

After a couple of years, I realized that writing fiction was not truly what I wanted to do full time. It didn’t feel like a real living. It just seemed like a way to pass the time. Also, I lacked direction – often, I wasn’t sure what to write, or I wasn’t convinced as to whether I had chosen the right project to work on. After working on writing all day, I was burning out every day, and I wasn’t even close to earning a living. This wasn’t fun anymore, and it wasn’t leading me toward figuring out where I wanted to be.

I realized that I did enjoy writing very much, but perhaps I was writing the wrong things. Could I write about something else?

Then I began writing books in the mind improvement topic. In writing to help other people, I felt that I was finally meeting my purpose. Eventually, I wrote books that considered broader personal growth themes. And now, with this blog, I consider self-development as well as philosophical ideas and societal growth.

The long winding road had been worth it. My mind, thoughts, and impact were expanding.

At this point, my main purpose is to help people – and the main vehicle for me in doing this has been through writing. I also strive toward my own personal growth – that way, I can use my lessons learned to help more people. My desire to improve myself and improve others both synergize with each other.

The reason for this post is that I want my readers to understand that the journey toward finding your purpose isn’t always straight, nor obvious, nor easy. Meeting your purpose can be a winding road, and that’s okay.

I find it’s actually best not to hang on too hard to needing to define your purpose in one way. When you don’t hang on to one way so much, you can adapt, change, and grow. If your purpose is too narrow, you may miss greater opportunities.

Sometimes new opportunities arise in my life, and I ask myself if I will help more people by pursuing this or if ultimately it will slow me down. Thinking this way helps to guide me along the best path.

As time goes on, I plan to continue to grow and evolve, but I suspect I will always be focused on helping people, especially my readers. I have figured out my main purpose, but what may change is exactly how I live out that purpose.

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This is Part 1 of 3 posts on finding purpose. Here are the other two posts:

STOP Resisting Your Purpose and START Living It

Dealing with Barriers on the Path to Living Your Purpose

From Inner Focus to Outer Focus

I am extremely self-reflective. You may notice I reflect about myself, society, and even the universe.

However, at certain points, I have created so many problems that self-reflection couldn’t fix them.

When you don’t know what path to go on in life, and you’ve had limited experiences, can just thinking it through truly solve this? Instead, you may need to seek out new experiences to learn more deeply what you truly want to do.

When you have constant troubles with your spouse or significant other and every day is like walking on eggshells, is self-reflection going to resolve these issues that have built up over the years? Instead, you may need to communicate more effectively.

When you are drowning in your own self-created misery, anxiety, depression, guilt, or whatever it may be, is thinking through the thoughts that created that misery going to help? Instead, you may need to find ways to get away from your own toxic thoughts and participate more fully in the real world - get physically active, spend time with friends, or take up a hobby.

The great challenge of helping yourself or even helping others is that there is no one solution that works in all cases. I am a great proponent of self-reflection and learning about ourselves. But sometimes, the solutions to life’s troubles don’t come from within.

Sometimes we have to pay attention to what is happening around us. We have to become more in tune with what is outside of us and beyond our own small corner of the universe.

Many of our self-created problems come from assuming that we are much more important than we are. In such cases, focusing more deeply on ourselves may create more problems rather than helping to resolve them.

There are two primary forms of focus that we can employ in this life. There is Inner Focus and Outer Focus.

Inner Focus

With inner focus, you are aware of your thoughts, problems, how everything affects you, and your feelings. This can be good so that you are aware and conscious of how you are living your life.

But if your inner focus becomes too powerful or extreme, this can become like a gaping black hole that sucks you deep into yourself, to the point that it becomes difficult to escape from yourself. You can reach a point where you are stuck in your own thoughts and feelings, unable to perceive anything beyond your own miseries and problems. This is clearly counterproductive.

The trick is to catch yourself sinking into yourself deeper and deeper like quicksand and to do something about it before you truly get stuck.

Outer Focus

With outer focus, we are attuned to what is going on around us. You can see the nature around you, whether people, birds, squirrels, insects, or even plants and trees. You wake up to the fact that there is so much going on all around you. Birds are feeding their young. Bees are pollinating the flowers. A child that scraped his knees is calling for his mother.

Despite that your mind focuses most of its energy on yourself, you are not the center of the universe.

In seeing deeply into what is happening around you, it helps to diffuse your own personal problems. The more your focus is on what is happening outside of you, the smaller you and your problems seem by comparison.

I used outer focus to overcome a great fear of mine. In graduate school (a decade ago), I needed to deliver presentations regularly. Usually, every month or two, I needed to do this. But I had stage fright. As a child, I sometimes skipped school on days when I was expected to present. As an adult, I realized that skipping out was not a real option. This would not help me or anyone.

In trying to overcome my fear of public speaking, I examined myself more and more closely. What will people think if I mess up? What if I forget what I wanted to say? What if I don’t know the answer to someone’s question? I could easily fail and look stupid, and people could laugh at me. To make matters worse, possibly, I was a fairly shy, quiet individual.

The way to resolve this thinking was so simple that I was surprised when I realized the solution. The solution was to put my focus on others, not on myself. If I’m about to present, and I think, “Don’t mess this up,” then this is setting things up horribly.

Of course, I learned my material and studied it carefully, and I practiced my presentations several times. But what truly made the difference was that I changed my frame of mind.

I stopped thinking about how I was going to look. I developed a mindset where I no longer cared about myself. I focused instead outwardly on helping others. I viewed my presentation as me teaching my classmates something new. I was there to help them understand a new topic. I wasn’t there to scrutinize my every thought and move. The more I focused outwardly, the better I was able to present. I became concerned with them and their learning process, not my own appearance. After a few presentations thinking in this way, I no longer feared it.

Self-reflection is a useful skill to have. We must be cautious because it can become a harmful habit if we reach the point of Self-obsession.

I have heard of some people who were very ill – they suffered daily with fragile health. They took medications or treatments that were so strong it left them feeling weak. Yet some of these people worked intensely and performed at such a high level that people were amazed at what they could accomplish - the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes to mind.

Some of the world’s highest performers have this figured out. It isn’t about themselves - it’s about what greater good they can do for others.

Perhaps we will surprise ourselves when we stop getting sucked into our own daily pains and problems and instead focus outside of ourselves on helping those around us and the solutions we can provide.

Today, open your eyes and truly see what is happening around you. Let go of the pains and problems within, and focus on what is happening outside of yourself, beyond your small corner of the universe.