Are You Choosing Freedom? (Or Have You Let Them Steal It?)

This past month, the topic of freedom has come up many times.

My wife Perla saw a sign for a small dog that was lost, and I told her maybe he wasn’t lost. Maybe he had found freedom.

I imagined that dog having the time of his life out in the open, exploring the world without any leash or restraints. Many of us would rush to be concerned or protective of a small dog like this without its owner, but perhaps he will experience some new joys, learn something new, and make new friends.

Who are we to take this dog’s freedom?

The next day, I saw a YouTube episode of Eyes Wide Open (Tip: bookmark this video and check it out later), and my friend Jay was asked what the best part of being homeless was. (He used to be homeless.)

Jay answered that the best part of being homeless was freedom.

Essentially, he was free not to have to go along with someone else’s way of doing things. He was free not to always have to be connected with others. Perhaps there was more solitude, but that could also be a freeing experience.

It’s a powerful thing to realize we all have freedom if we’re willing to take it.

It’s also a powerful thing to realize that while society may sometimes feel sorry for a homeless person, even someone with few possessions has the freedom to choose their actions.

In a prior post, I said: “Every moment of every day gives you the opportunity to change it all around.” Know that we have tremendous power to choose the direction of our own lives. That is our personal freedom.

When we find ourselves lacking freedom, often we gave it up (or we let them steal it). We are responsible for the level of freedom we have in our lives.

So there is freedom of action. But what about the freedom to think what you wish to think?

When I was younger, I sometimes spent long periods alone, and while it could be lonely, those experiences helped me learn to think more freely. I could search for the best, most worthy thoughts, not being concerned if someone else approved or if they agreed with me.

Yet, the potential downside to that mental freedom is that I could head in bad or less worthy directions, and perhaps no one was there to correct me.

There is such a thing as being free to head down the wrong paths. But then again, that is part of the experience most of us go through as adults. We are given the freedom to make mistakes, to learn a lesson or not learn it, to be considerate or not. We even have the freedom to value and pursue freedom, or to seek comfort, protection, and stability.

And despite that many of us are scared to make mistakes (I used to have that aching fear), there is great value in heading down the wrong path, realizing this, then fixing this for yourself.

The freedom to make mistakes is a valuable one we all have.

Personally, I like freedom and open options, and I also like stability and comfort (for example, a home, marriage, steady income, etc.). They’re not always contradictory. I can pursue more freedom and options in areas where I want to grow in life, and I can be fine with stability and comfort in areas where I feel good with what I have.

The topic of freedom also came up in other ways, recently. It’s been a recurring theme…

After hearing about the missing dog, and Jay’s response that freedom was the best thing about being homeless, I overheard someone’s conversation about freedom at an electronics store.

Yes, even strangers around me were spontaneously bringing up freedom…

A client came in to look for a phone to buy, and he mentioned that he had broken his phone five days ago. The associate was surprised and said that he knew a lot of people who couldn’t last 24 hours without a phone.

The client said:

“At first, I was upset that my phone broke. But then I realized that without my phone, I didn’t have to answer to anybody. No one could get a hold of me or tell me what to do, and I was relieved. It was a freeing experience.”

This man was animated, glowing, and appeared to have had a personal revelation that he wanted to share, as he spoke quite loudly, and I could hear him even though I was a few aisles away.

I want you to realize that we allow everything in our lives to take a bit of our freedom. It’s not the phone that has the inner power to take our freedom, we are the ones who allow a phone or any object to restrict our options.

Let’s take a minute to explore a question. What are some things that can suck away our freedom? (If we allow them to):

Phones

How many people do you know who when they get a text, they must look at it immediately? Or they start scrolling through social media, and they lose track of time, not accomplishing what they actually wanted to do. (A song I’ve been listening to lately is actually called Doomscroller, by the band Metric.)

Email

Often, people send us emails, and we allow this to dictate our days rather than planning out what was important to us. Sure, one or two emails shouldn’t make much difference, but many professionals receive dozens of emails in a day.

Obligations

How many tasks come up that you feel obligated to do rather than truly wanting to do them? Are you allowing them to take your freedom from you, even if you sometimes find them mindless or unimportant?

Wanting to Be Liked

I suppose it’s normal to want others to like us. We are social animals, after all. But when we want to be liked so much that we only do things hoping people will want our friendship, or perceive us in a certain way, then we lose a piece of our freedom too.

None of these things in themselves are truly bad. Most people engage with all of these to some extent. I don’t believe the “solution” is to remove all of them from your life.

My personal solution to help regain my freedom from my phone is I don’t answer unknown numbers, and I happily mute it if I’m busy with something. Also, most pings and updates are shut off.

With email, I often struggle, as I like to get back to people as soon as I can, but I usually receive dozens of emails in a day. While I respond to them eventually, I don’t obligate myself to respond immediately. In fact, to avoid getting distracted with my main goals for the day, I batch respond to most emails on Fridays (unless they’re urgent and important). And though I’ve often kept my email tab open all day, lately I avoid doing that, to keep my focus on my priorities for the day.

As far as obligations, it has been an ongoing practice for me to avoid feeling obligated to almost anything. Very few actions are truly necessary. But often, someone asks me for a favor and I agree to it. Then of course, I will feel obligated, though not necessarily in a bad way. I have learned to be much more careful about agreeing to do things. I only agree if I am confident that I am enthusiastic to help and I have the time available. If things happen to change and I am no longer enthusiastic or I no longer have the time though, I am at peace with changing plans.

Of course, most of the types of “obligations” I would get involved in are not matters of life and death.  

I also choose my words carefully. I avoid making promises, and rather I might say “I’m happy to help with this when I have time.”

What about “wanting to be liked.” How do I handle that?

When I was younger, I often did worry if people liked me or not. But in time, I’ve learned that it’s more important to live life on my terms. I’m not interested in living a life where I make decisions based on whether others agree or like them. I’m the one living this life and dealing with my actions and their outcomes, not others.

Though of course, most of us want to be liked. The healthy approach to being likable is to be kind, helpful, loving, and also authentic.

It's normal to want to be liked, but if you make one misstep and someone no longer wants to be your friend, perhaps that’s alright. Do you need a friend who is ready to leave you when you make a simple mistake?

Understand this: We all have immense power to act freely, but we tend to give up that power to objects or other people. When you feel compelled to do something, lacking alternatives, that moment is when you are losing your freedom.

When you think “I should,” is that really something you should do, or is it just a thoughtless habit you have fallen into? Perhaps someone guilted you into thinking you should do something. Often, when I hear “I should” in my mind, I realize that there is a societal belief system at work. The thought that “I should” is coming more from societal expectations than from my true self.

As an example, consider if a friend is moving and he wants your help. He calls you the day he is moving to request that you help him out. But you already have your own plans for the day, and you do not have time to help.

Your friend is adamant – he needs help now. “If you do not help a friend in need, what kind of friend are you,” he says.

The societal voice in your head starts to say: “I should help him move if I am a good friend.”

But the truth is you have the right to plan your life, prioritize what is important to you, and decline to help anyone for any reason. Are you going to allow something that pops in front of you to control your life, or are you going to choose freedom? (Of course, you are free to choose to do what pops in front of you if that is your conscious choice.)

Maybe you want to be an excellent friend (or sibling, spouse, etc.), and that is fine, but does being a great friend mean that you always do what your friends want?

Are you here to please everyone around you, and disregard your own needs, wants, and feelings? Then, where is your freedom?

The above situation with a friend actually did happen to me. I had other priorities, so I did not end up helping him move (though I helped him move on other occasions).

Later, the same friend called me up again. We were 20 years old at the time.

He said: “Hey, I’m in jail. I was driving with an expired license, and I need you to bail me out for $500. I’m sure you’re good for it. I can’t have my parents finding out about this, so just bail me out, and I’ll pay you right back… Otherwise, I might end up spending a couple of nights here.”

I wasn’t comfortable with giving him $500 when I knew, more likely than not, I’d never see the money again.

I also wasn’t happy to see that as a 20-year-old adult, he was scared of his parents finding out about his poor life choices. I wanted him to own his poor life decisions and actually learn something.

His spending a few nights in jail seemed like it might just be the medicine he needed to start getting his life together. So I exercised my freedom and told him I wasn’t going to bail him out.

A last, important kind of freedom I want to discuss is the freedom to truly be yourself. If you place too much importance on who others think you are, who they expect you to be, or who they wish you to be, then this can restrict your freedom.

Perhaps others expect you to follow a specific career path. They say you’re good at science, so you should be a doctor. While it’s good to keep in mind your strengths, ultimately you are the one who has the power to decide what you do with your life. Don’t allow others’ perceptions or expectations of you to dictate your life.

Or perhaps you are especially quiet, and people expect you to be shy, timid, and a pushover. That’s fine. You can still be socially engaging, start conversations, or even tell jokes if you wish. Their expectations based on how you’ve behaved in the past do not restrict your freedom.

What if you’re often right about everything, and you feel tremendous pressure to continue to get everything right, and not make mistakes? If that’s the case, again, learn to release yourself from the expectations of other people. Even if you are usually right, everyone can make mistakes, and that is fine as long as you make an effort to learn from them.

I wonder if you will choose your freedom today. The options your life path can go on are limitless. But many things in this life keep us tied down. Most of the restrictions in our lives are ones that we have allowed to keep us limited. So if we are the ones who choose to engage with them, we can also choose to let them go or at least stop them from stealing our freedom. Ultimately, we can regain our personal power to be free.

Stop letting people, things, and even beliefs or ideas rob you of your personal freedom and options.

Choose to be free. And for any constraints or restrictions of your life, make sure they are truly worthy.

---

If you enjoyed this post, there's plenty more insights like this in my new book.

It mixes self-development and spirituality into a beautiful package of touching insights. You’ll find immense value here if you want more love, emotional healing, mastery, self-reflection, or deep wisdom.

The title is – Awaken the Starlight Within: Heartfelt Wisdom to Reveal Your Personal Power – scroll down all the way for an opportunity to get a free copy.

Every Moment Presents a Choice

The new year is upon us.

But today, rather than reflect on the prior year or plans for the future, I think we could use a reminder of a power we have always had.

That is the power to choose the direction of our lives, every moment of every day.

Sure, there is a life path we have found ourselves on through having created it, stumbled upon it, or found ourselves in it through necessity.

For better or worse, this is the reality of our lives.

Yet we always have choices.

A thought that has occurred to me is that many of us don’t truly understand the number of choices available to us in a given day.

Consider this: A dear friend once criticized me upon realizing that in a day we spent together, he had made every decision about what we did. He got tired of it, and he asked me:

Have you even made a single choice today?

His question made me realize that every moment of that day had presented me with a choice. I could go along the easy route with the path unfolding before me, or I could fight against it.

Neither way is necessarily better than the other, but that is the key, predominant choice of our lives. Flow along with the stream of destiny, or work to create your own path.

I explained to my friend that I had made countless choices that day, all of which involved doing what he wanted to do and spending time with him. Even in that moment of discussion, I had chosen to continue our conversation rather than part ways.

Every moment is a choice.

It so happens that with me, when everything is going well, I don’t fight the path in front of me. I allow it to unfold as it does, to take me where it flows, but I am still choosing that.

But what about when your life’s path presents more and more obstacles, and you dread what lies ahead?

In such cases, we must use the power we have to make a choice.

Even if you made a mistake, and for 100 moments in a day, you chose to continue along a futile, unrewarding, miserable path, you still have the power at any moment to change that.

Every moment of every day gives you the opportunity to change it all around.

Even when it comes to mental states – if, in the course of a day, you find yourself unhappy and bored, you can ask what choices led you to that. And if you make new choices in a different direction, can you begin to find the happiness and stimulation that you need?

Taking things further, even our beliefs about ourselves or the world, and thus the emotional states that may follow can be a choice.

Here is a belief some people may hold:

I believe I have little power, and my life’s path has been decided by my parents, the government, or society.

The issue with that belief would be that it completely nullifies your ability to choose your life’s path. If you are willing to accept your power of choice in every moment of every day and do something with it, then you have that power in you.

However, if you are not willing to accept that you have that power, then you do not have it. You have taken your own power away, then.

Consider this: How many choices or opportunities for change do we get in the course of a day?

Let’s say a moment is equal to a second. Then that would mean that in your waking hours, or 16 hours, there are 57,600 moments where you can make a choice. That is quite a few….

Those are 57,600 opportunities where you can choose to continue along a path or to seek a new one. To use your own judgment or pursue a mentor to guide you. To rely on the same habitual ways of believing and behaving or to pave a new path of being. To value time and use it wisely, or waste it on nonsense. To help yourself or another, or help no one.

Even to reflect on your choices or not, or to write down what you have learned or not are choices you get to make.

The choices are seemingly infinite. Yet there is always a choice.

Of course, it’s easier to blame others and say they are at fault for the setbacks in our lives. And perhaps other people are at fault, to some extent. But complaining, obsessing, or stressing about that does nothing for your progress.

In fact, if you get hung up on how others are at fault, you are the one who has chosen to delay your own life’s progress.

So, of course, we must avoid that and accept our power to choose every moment of every day.

How can you use your power of choice?:

When your time is being wasted, with nothing to gain from it, choose to use it on something more beneficial. Or at least decide to avoid such wasted time in the future.

When you are disrespected and unappreciated, choose to pursue better people to spend your time with.

When you have been treated unjustly, choose to speak up rather than ignore the issue.

When you have made horrible mistakes, choose to learn and improve.

When someone needs help, choose to help if you can.

Choose to see the good in people and situations and not just the bad that is there.

Some of us who do not use our power of choice may not know what we want. In that case, we should reflect on what we believe to be truly important.

For example: Family, Peace, Success, Love, Happiness, Mastery, Knowledge, Awareness, Service, Giving, Truth, and so on. What is most important to you?

Then ask, are your choices helping you to create the life you ultimately want to live? And are you taking advantage of all the choices available to you at every moment in time?

Of course, the point here is not to get overwhelmed with so many choices, as who really needs 57,600 choices? The point is this:

Realize that every moment of your life is a moment of true possibility, where your life can begin to unfold in a new direction of your choosing.

What better time to reflect on that, and to truly understand it and make it a way of life, than the new year, here and now….

---

Big Audiobook Promotion

I would like to announce that most of my audiobooks are now discounted to 70% off on Spotify, Google Play, Chirp, Barnes & Noble, and Apple. If you listen to audiobooks, this is an excellent deal to take advantage of to start the new year! (This promotion lasts until 3/31/23)

Take Ownership Over Your Life

Know that whatever situation you are in, you played a crucial role in getting yourself there.

There is no other way. You are you. Who else got you to the here and now?

In your life’s path…

Whether there were major setbacks that you regretted or not,

Whether you learned and changed and grew from those or not,

Whether you listened to the good advice that came your way or not,

And whether you listened to the bad advice that came your way or not.

Either way, the common denominator was YOU,

You were the one who chose whether to act in a certain way or not,

Whether to believe in something or not,

Whether to follow someone or not,

Whether to be proactive or reactive,

Whether to seek betterment or not,

Whether to seek praise, riches, comfort, love, or safety,

Whether to be truthful or not.

What we often failed to realize in life was that…

We chose to continue along a path,

Or to get off of it and pave a new one,

Or to let others take us on whatever road they had in mind for us,

Either way, we chose this for ourselves.

We had the power to choose or to give up this power to someone else.

We are happy to take the praise when things work out,

But quick to blame others when they don’t,

Rather, we must own it all, as both good and bad will tend to pour out from our decisions.

There is no sense in blaming those who advised you, as they could not know the full extent of who you are and your life’s situation.

And in the end, you made your own decision.

Also, you chose your advisors - did you choose them well?

You would be happy to reap the rewards for yourself, so take any negative consequence, own it, and aim to make it right.

In owning what has gone wrong, you can begin to see through it, regain your power, and find a better path.

Many of us assume that power means power over others,

But the one with power over their own life is quite rare,

True power is to realize every moment of the day that we have the option,

To focus on what we can or can’t do,

To stay or go,

To fight or flee,

To argue or accept,

To act or reflect,

To take action based on need or want,

To speak or listen,

To lead or follow,

To love or hate,

To focus on what limits us, or what frees us.

To pursue or to be content.

We all have this power.

Of course, what is right for you will depend on your circumstance, experience, and goals.

If we are at the whims of people, emotions, and impulsiveness, then we have relinquished our power.

This is a power we always had and that we may have chosen to give away.

In such a case, we can prepare to regain it.

Regardless of what is going on in the world around us, we have power,

The power to think, learn, grow, change, and make the best choices for ourselves.

Take ownership over your life,

Own the situations that you find yourself in,

For you have played a role in creating them,

Own the good and bad that come from your life’s choices,

Seek to help and be helped by others but at the end of the day,

Take ownership over your life,

Your thoughts, actions, beliefs, and desires,

To do otherwise is a denial of what is.

Remember this:

You are the instrument and player,

The song and singer,

The pilot and passenger,

The thought, and thinker,

The being and spirit,

The writer and written,

The gift and giver.

Lessons Learned From Playing Chess (Part 2)

Introduction

I have learned countless life lessons from the game of chess. In yesterday’s post, I shared 5 of them. Today, I would like to continue sharing 5 more of these lessons with you. I hope that you find some of these useful. Perhaps these lessons will help you in chess, in life, or with both.

Recently, it seems chess is back in the minds of many people. I understand that Netflix’s TV show The Queen’s Gambit has helped with this. But the game has been alive and well for quite a long time. There is something about this game that can draw you in, deeper and deeper if you allow it. And I suppose many people will be experiencing that now.

Here are 5 more chess lessons I would like to share with you:

6. Calculate and predict

In chess, when you are learning, it seems impossible to predict anything. It just feels like you make a random move, then your opponent makes a random move, and you hope for the best. For a beginner who has played many games already, the goal may become to avoid “hanging” a piece, which means to allow your opponent to take it for free.

The idea of calculating several moves into the future can seem to be too much, at first anyway. In time, however, you get used to having visions where you can predict quite easily what the most likely reactions will be to your moves. If nothing else, you should be able to guess pretty well what the top 2 or 3 most likely reactions will be. Then, as you gain experience, you will start to intuitively know that if you make one move, your opponent will probably react this way, then you will probably react with this move in response, and so forth.

This can be a tremendous skill to develop in our everyday lives. Any time you see someone do something foolish, they probably did not think about what the consequence was going to be. But for everything we do in life, you choose your action, and then either the environment or another person will react somehow to your original action. With some thought or practice in thinking about consequences, we can start to see chains of likely actions and reactions in our minds.

There is great value in learning to think more deeply and not just settling on thinking about the most likely consequence. Instead, think about the next reaction, and the next reaction to that, and the next one. How deep can you go?

7.   Make a worthy sacrifice

As you grow in experience, one of the most exciting times in chess is to make a sacrifice that ends up being well worth it. Usually, you will need to calculate ahead or at least understand the game well enough to see that you will gain some initiative or advantage by sacrificing a piece. The biggest sacrifice a player may make is to give up the queen. Usually, this is not done unless you are sure that you will checkmate the opponent and win the game.

In life, too, there are times to make sacrifices, and similar principles apply. We have to ask ourselves if a certain sacrifice we make will ultimately be worth it in the end. For some of us, sacrifice may be too strong of a word. Instead, you can consider times when you have chosen to give something up to gain something later. Life can be more complex because sometimes we may give up our free time to accomplish important life goals. The rewards for this may not come until later in the future, in many cases.

In chess, however, you will find out in the course of a game whether your sacrifices were worthy or not. In the game, you must think, plan, and calculate. If you do not do this properly, you may sacrifice something without gaining anything for it in return.

Chess has shown me that in life, we must think carefully about what we are giving up. Is it truly worth it? Are you making sacrifices and hoping for them to pay off? Or are have you properly planned, thought it through, and calculated so that you can be more confident that you will make great gains for anything you have given up?

8. Executive decision-making

In chess, when you reach a certain level (perhaps intermediate), you understand that you should form candidate moves. This means that you look for 2-3 top moves that are worth considering more deeply. When you have these moves, then eventually, you must make your executive decision. This is a decision you must live with, whether good or bad, because you cannot take it back.

This idea of seeking candidate moves in real life is something that I have been doing lately. Some people like to find a path that makes sense, and then they move forward without looking back. However, at least for important life decisions, I think it does make a lot of sense to pick several high-level options to examine more closely. From those candidate options, you can imagine yourself making those decisions and then consider if you would look forward to the probable outcomes that they could lead to.

Actually, even for simple life decisions, it can sometimes be interesting to develop multiple candidate options. Want to see a movie? Try picking 3 options and then narrow it down to one. Or, if you want to go out to have some fun, consider multiple options such as bowling, billiards, and dancing before you select one. This strategy can be advantageous if you are making a group choice to help make sure that most of you are satisfied.

9. Improvement seeking

“When you see a good move, look for a better one” - Emanuel Lasker (former World Chess Champion)

I will admit that when playing chess, I sometimes became obsessive about looking for a better move. When I was 18-22 years old, I enjoyed using the Chessmaster software, and I would sometimes spend a great deal of time reflecting on which move I would make. I always thought – perhaps there is a better move I haven’t considered yet.

Of course, we need to be mindful of time management, as I discussed in yesterday’s post. We don’t always have the liberty to spend all the time looking for a better move. Often, it is more important to make a good move than it is to make the best one.

Regardless of how much I tried to find the best moves, I would often analyze my games with Chessmaster, and the program would point out that inevitably I had missed something. For virtually every game, there would be an excellent move that I had not even considered.

In real life, I began to pay more attention to my life decisions, big or small. Sometimes even after making a decision, I would continue to reflect on whether there had been a better option available to me. Through deep thinking, I realized that quite often, perhaps daily even, there was some better action I could have taken. There was a better move that I had missed. Even when I made all good moves, there was still something I had missed.

I could never make all the best moves. Even if I made a great decision, perhaps there was an even better one that I had not considered, at least not until after I had already made it.

I don’t think it’s worth obsessing too much over every move we make. However, it did make an impact on me after I realized that there is probably always a better move I could have made. The awareness that there is always a better move, in chess and especially in life, made a great impact on me. I realized that no matter how desperate or difficult a situation may seem, there is always a better move to make that has not occurred to me yet. Knowing this can give you hope in any situation. There is some great move left to find, but you have to search deeper.

10. Choose your own style

The interesting thing about chess is that there are many different styles that we can play in. Most people have their own distinctive way of playing chess. If I had to reflect on my style, I would say that I like to keep many options open. I like my pieces on squares where they can have the best range of motion. They can defend or attack as needed. I try to create as many possibilities to attack as possible. Often, I pursue gradual advantages, and I hope to overwhelm the opponent eventually, as they get themselves into a position where it is tough to find a good move.

In my opinion, I am fairly balanced. I will evaluate my position, but also the position of my opponent. My goals are important to me, but I will also try to get into the opponent’s mind to see their goals. I will try to figure out what they are thinking, based on their move choice.

I suppose my style is a bit psychological. If I can make a move that I think could make them uncomfortable, I will do it. For example, I may force them to make a move that compromises their king’s safety. I may make moves that force them to retreat when it is clear that they wanted to build up an attack. Whatever I think the opponent wants to do, I will aim to counteract it. Although it isn’t my main goal, if I see a tricky move that may trap them, I will definitely consider playing it.

I also value timing very much. Generally, I will not attempt a big attack unless I feel that I have a great position to do so. I often ask if it is the right time or position to implement a specific plan.

When it comes to defense, I aim to be impenetrable. I like to have every piece and pawn defended at all times, but I am willing to let go of some pawns if it helps me to build up a strong attack. A common strategy I use is to allow the opponent to take my pawns while I build a stronger and stronger attack.

Life is not so different than chess. At the end of the day, we have to choose how active or passive we want to be. How direct or how crafty. Just because someone else’s style works for them does not mean it will work for you.

But I believe the way we play chess is interesting because it may reflect how we live our lives. When I was younger, I truly did not want to lose. I prefer a draw to a loss. I would sometimes actually pursue a draw. I would guard against everything my opponent did very carefully, not allowing them to gain advantages. Sometimes I could defend against better players that way, frustrating them. If I played against a higher-level opponent, I actively tried to make the experience miserable for them. Rather than really going for the win, I just dragged out the game.

Now, I prefer to avoid draws. I like to go for the win if possible. However, if there is no way to gain an advantage, I will take the draw. Also, I enjoy novelty in the game. I prefer to look for new ideas and moves that can puzzle my opponent. Since I play blitz (rapid games), moves that surprise my opponent can cause them to have to stop and think. And the more time they take on a move, the more likely they are to lose as the clock timer runs down.

In real life, if someone is competing with you and gaining an advantage, consider giving them a tricky or strange problem to deal with, possibly even causing a diversion. This can buy you some time and help you to get caught up.

Chess is interesting because you can choose your style. You can even change it or adapt it if you wish. The same is true in life. Is your style working for you, or is it time to change it? Or do you prefer to be unpredictable, developing a style where your opponent can never figure you out?

Final Thoughts

As a quick review of some of the lessons in today’s post, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I calculating or predicting what my actions will lead to? Have I considered the likely reactions and then the likely reactions to that?

• What am I sacrificing or giving up in this life? Will the benefits be greater than the costs?

• When I have a tough choice, am I coming up with good “candidate moves” that I could make? Then, do I think them through deeply so that I can make the best executive decision?

• When I see a good move or action, am I taking the time to look for better possibilities?

• What is my style or approach to life problems that come up? Is it working? Should I experiment with a different style?
  

---

Additional Chess Resources for Chess Players

• I play chess for free on Chess.com and also via the app called Chess Free on my Android phone.

• My favorite Chess YouTube channel is Agadmator’s.

• For any intermediate (or beyond) chess players, my favorite opening that I have played for years is The Curry Opening - the main resource for this is Win at Chess by Ronald Curry. As a beginner, I enjoyed The King’s Indian Attack / Defence.

• While I do not own it, I am curious about Think Like a Grandmaster by Alexander Kotov - and I’ve heard great things about it.

• For a novel that incorporates chess, check out The Flanders Panel by Arturo Perez-Reverte, a book that was gifted to me by friend Arthur.

• And you have probably heard of the popular The Queen’s Gambit TV show. If you have Netflix, I recommend watching it.

How to Make a Decision

One of my readers recently asked me for some help on “how to make a decision.” I thought this would make a good idea for a post.

The topic can quickly get complicated, so I will aim to keep this simple and practical.

When you have to make a decision, I recommend asking yourself a variety of questions. Here they are:

Does the situation demand immediate action?

I ask this question first because if the situation demands immediate action, there is no time to figure out the best possible option. You have to use any available resources and do the best that you can given the circumstance.

The main criteria for deciding if you need to take immediate action is to ask if, by doing nothing, you may cause great and irreparable harm. Usually, when this is the case, you must take action. Strangely enough, if you have the presence of mind, you may also ask yourself: By doing something, might I cause great and irreparable harm? Perhaps sometimes it is best to do nothing if you will cause more harm by doing something.

Let’s say you are in the woods alone, and you suddenly notice a bear. It is not too far up ahead from you, perhaps just 20 feet away. Many things may immediately come to mind – you could run, hide, or even stay frozen in place and wait to see what happens, but of course, your instinct is probably to do something. If the bear has not shown any sign of aggression, you may even consider slowly walking away.

Regardless of what you choose to do, you may not have much time to evaluate all your options. You may need to act on instinct. This is clearly an important choice, whatever you choose to do, but you cannot easily perform research at the moment. Your mind and body are all you have to help you. You can only hope that the bear is not hungry and not aggressive.

Another type of example will be if you or someone near you suffers a medical emergency. If someone is choking, you may need to attempt the Heimlich maneuver even if you do not feel confident in your abilities. (Even if you call 911, the operator will probably try to talk you through how to perform the Heimlich while you wait for medical assistance.) To wait for assistance and do nothing else may lead to death.

Am I the right person to make this decision?

It’s easy to assume that you need to make this decision, but perhaps you're mistaken. You should question whether you are the person with the right expertise to make such a decision before proceeding.

For example, today, I took my car to my mechanic because I heard a noise when using my brakes. He ended up recommending that I get my brakes replaced because they are worn down. Keep in mind that I don’t have much expertise in cars other than what I’ve learned by getting them serviced through the years.

The decision I have to make is whether to spend the money on this particular service. However, as far as the need for this service goes, I am willing to defer judgment to the mechanic since he is the one with the expertise to know what needs to be fixed.

If I ever have reason to believe that my mechanic is dishonest or that he lacks expertise or good judgment, then I may decide to find another mechanic.

Nonetheless, this is an area of my life where I rely on experts to help make the final decision. In such cases, I still recommend asking many questions. I always wish to understand what they want to fix, how long the parts will last, and so forth. And if they mention parts of the car I am not familiar with, I will ask how it works. I mention this for you to understand that while I defer judgment to the experts, I still aim to make sure I follow what they are doing as much as is possible. Experts can make mistakes, so if something doesn’t make sense, you should be alert and let them know.

In the end, I decided to follow the judgment of my mechanic and get the brakes replaced. My decision was to go along with his decision.

You may find yourself in a situation where you are entrusted to make a final decision. If so, do not let the power go to your head. Ask yourself if you are truly the right person to make that final decision. If not, look for someone with the right expertise to help you make the best choice. The right person may be above your level or even below it, or in another field altogether.

Is this important?

Deciding whether something is important can be trickier than it seems. Sometimes a seemingly trivial action can suddenly seem incredibly important. Or something that seems immensely important may actually be trivial if viewed differently. Nonetheless, this is a key question that you must ask yourself.

One time I was shopping for dental floss, and there happened to be about five different choices. I struggled to figure out which one was the right option. Then I realized that this was probably not such an important decision at the end of the day. I should make a decision and move on with my day. For most of my purchases that involve health in some way, I usually want something that is good quality, so I settled on one of the floss options that cost above average.

Regardless of which option I settled on, it probably wasn’t going to impact my life much.

The less important something is, the less time you should spend on it. This is because you probably have more important decisions to make in your life. And of course, the more important something is, the more time you should be willing to spend on it, to make sure you choose the best option.

Do I have all the information I need?

Something else to ask is if you have all of the information that you need to make the right choice. Are you confident that you know enough to make the right choice? Have you gathered information from different reliable sources? Do you have expertise in the area?

Be aware that you will probably never have all of the possible information. There will usually be something that you do not know about a topic. But of course, there is limited time, and you have to learn to realize when you have learned enough. When you know enough, you should stop gathering information.

If you do not have the information that you need, ask if you can get it in a reasonable amount of time. Do you know the right people or sources where you can get the right information?

If you do not have the information and cannot get it efficiently, you should find someone who can help you make this decision. Clearly, you should seek out an expert or someone with more experience.

What are my deal-breakers?

Sometimes I see people considering clearly bad options, and I can’t help but feel that they are just wasting time. Of course, we all have different ideas for what is bad.

As a brief example, if you are selecting your apples at the grocery store, you probably know to avoid any that are broken and exposed or that have dark brown spots, perhaps indicating that they have been dropped or that they are starting to rot. You do not need to take time to consider these. The options that are clearly bad should not take your time – you can safely ignore them.

To use a more impactful example, if you are house shopping, you may decide that you do not want to live in an area with a high crime rate. Or you do not want to live right next to a busy street, perhaps. We all have to decide for ourselves what the deal-breakers are – the options that are so bad we will not even consider them.

Although this seems obvious, it is easy to waste time evaluating the deal-breakers. Instead, identify them and ignore them or purposely remove them from the options that you will consider.

What are the consequences of making a mistake?

When making your decisions, consider what will happen if you make a wrong choice. Can it cause irreparable harm? Can it cause you to get stuck in a situation that you do not want to be in for many, many years? Can it cost you your job or endanger your life? Might it cost you your life savings? A valued friendship?

Or perhaps the consequences would not be so dire. Perhaps, in some cases, the worst consequence you face is losing $10. Or you may risk losing 10 minutes, having to perform an action again if you make a mistake. In such cases, you may decide that the money or the time does not concern you too much, and if you make a mistake, that is fine.

Many years ago, my parents told me they were looking into a micro-surgery option to help my Dad fix some back problems he was having. To help them, I decided to do a bit of research into a company that had sent them promotional materials regarding this service. In reading reviews and researching the company, I quickly realized that many people were claiming the micro-surgery (from this particular company) had failed to fix people’s back problems – and in many cases, people even complained that their problems had gotten worse. Unfortunately, this was a broad pattern – it did not seem to be just a few isolated cases. In the end, I recommended that my parents avoid this option.

Generally, when it comes to health, if you risk terrible consequences through making mistakes, it is worth it to take the time and to do the research to make sure you arrive at the best decision that you can make.

What are My Selection Criteria?

Hopefully, by using the above questions, you will make good decisions much more easily. But what can we do for critical and complex decision-making?

If your decision requires many different criteria that you find important, weigh those criteria. I will use buying a house as an example again. This is perhaps one of the most significant decisions that many of us will make.

Below is an example of how I would weigh the criteria if I were personally going to buy a home. Of course, if you are buying a home or making another important life choice, you should weigh your criteria in the order of importance for yourself.

1) Cost – If you are going to buy a home, you need to know the price range you will consider. Anything outside of this range will be dropped from consideration. For most things in life, the cost isn’t my first consideration, but trying to buy a house that is too expensive could lead to bankruptcy or other major financial troubles that will impact your whole life.

As a part of considering the cost of a house, I would consider the list price, cost of any transactions and fees, the average expected fees to maintain the house, and any repairs that may be needed.

2) Do I really like it? – If I am going to spend a lot of money on a home and be living there for years, I would not want to buy it unless I truly like the home. This may include the layout of the rooms, their size, the home's condition, the feeling I get from it, the style, the condition of the yard, etc.

3) Safety – I would want the home to be in a safe area with a relatively low crime rate. This might include considering whether the home is near the main street or in a residential neighborhood with less traffic.

4) Proximity to my wife’s job – I work from home, but my wife still needs to get to work, so it would help to live close to my wife’s workplace. Within a 20 minute drive would be preferable.

5) Proximity to a good grocery store, shopping center, bookstore, restaurants, a hospital, etc. - I would rather not have to drive too far to pick up the groceries or get to important places that I frequently need to go to.

6) Other considerations - These are not the most important considerations, but I would still keep them in mind. Here, I might consider distance to family members or friends, frequency of natural disasters, and other factors.

When you have decided upon your selection criteria, make sure to keep them in order of highest priority in your mind. Perhaps your budget is the most important thing, and you are unwilling to spend more than a certain amount. To stay within your budget, you may need to sacrifice something - perhaps you will have to drive a bit further to get to work, for example.

On major decisions, I think it helps to imagine them in your mind. Can you live with driving 45 minutes to work every day? Or is it important to you that it be within a 20-minute drive? When you think it through more deeply, you may realize that you wouldn’t mind the drive, or rather, you may realize that you would be miserable driving so much. Using your imagination will help you to make sure that your priorities are in the right order.

Concluding Thoughts

These are some of the key considerations I go through when I have to make a decision. I hope that this helps you. When you have a big or important decision to make, it’s best to give yourself as much time as you can. I would not want to feel pressured into making a big life decision in just a few days. I would want more time to think it through.

As a consideration that goes beyond the scope of this post, you may question whether you can create new options. This involves creative ability and knowing how to unlock infinite possibilities. I have often found myself in situations where there appeared to be just a few limited options, and I ended up creating new pathways and possibilities for myself rather than accepting the obvious options.

We all know some people who struggle to make decisions on their own. They may rely too heavily on input from friends, family, or colleagues. It can be helpful to get advice from others, but keep in mind that in the end, you will be the one who has to deal with the outcomes, whether good or bad. Be cautious with taking actions just because it would please the people around you.

Of course, there are many types of people. Some people may be content with making big decisions on a hunch or using their intuition. I prefer to explore my options and what the consequences may be analytically. I prefer to take my time for major decisions, but for decisions that do not matter much, I try to limit the time I spend on them. It’s easy to get sucked into wasting time on the things that do not matter, so you should set a time limit on such simple choices. If I feel that the available options are not the best, I’m also more than happy to create new options.