What is the Point of Conflict?

There is plenty of conflict in this world, even if we don’t go looking for it.

When I was in graduate school, one of my colleagues was a Mormon – let’s say “Jim,” and one Friday, apparently most of my colleagues didn’t have much work to do, and so they sat around his desk, and it became “Ask a Mormon” day.

Many of the questions were calling into question the credibility of his religion. They pointed to some unusual practices, and they would ask him if he actually believed in that.

Jim took it quite well and did not seem uncomfortable about it – I’m guessing this wasn’t his first time being ambushed. I asked a few questions too. I felt at the time that I was asking them in a neutral way and not trying to add fuel to this “fire” that seemed to be more about seeking entertainment by trying to poke holes in someone’s belief system.

Jim’s answers to everything were pretty reasonable – I recall that he stated some practices he engaged in were a matter of tradition and community-building. Later on, I regretted having taken part in this interaction. I didn’t like the approach or attitude of some of my colleagues, who actually seemed to enjoy trying to start a conflict. They questioned in ways that bordered on being disrespectful and antagonistic.

After this interaction, I thought: What was the point? What was anyone trying to accomplish?

Just as Jim had his beliefs, it seemed that most of us had our beliefs about what Mormonism was, and our minds were probably never going to be changed. Neither would Jim’s, obviously - he was born and raised a Mormon, and most of his friends and family were also Mormon.

Again, I come back to the key question – what was the point of this interaction/conflict?

As far as I can tell, the point was that some of my colleagues found it amusing to try to show off their intellect or superiority by looking for holes in the Mormon belief system. It seemed like if they made Jim doubt his beliefs, my colleagues would gain points. In the end, neither side won anything, and they were left at a standstill. This “game” was not very satisfying, and afterward, as I said, I regretted even having been there. One of my other colleagues admitted to me in private that she had felt the same way as me. By being bystanders and idle participants, we felt like we were encouraging it.

I wish more of us would ask ourselves this before seeking or participating in conflicts:

What is the point of this conflict? What can anyone gain from this?

More often than not, here is what you can expect from a conflict:

•       Hurt feelings

•       People making fools of themselves

•      No one changing their minds

•       People believing more firmly in their own beliefs and even less in the opposition

•       Friends becoming enemies

•       A waste of time, as none of your goals, are accomplished

Of course, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you should avoid all conflicts. Sometimes, you need conflict to learn and grow or come to a common understanding with someone. Other times, if someone brings conflict to you, you may need to defend yourself. But usually, these conflicts are not over deeply held beliefs that you know no one will ever change.

If you want to engage in a conflict that you know you can win with “facts” and “logic,” be aware that your opposition may disagree with your facts, making your logic irrelevant. You can’t win if your opposition refuses to follow your facts and line of reasoning. Then again, the point should not be to win - we’re not talking about high school debate teams. Rather, it should be to come to a common understanding of something. To hopefully do something constructive rather than destructive.

From what I have seen, most of us are more concerned with appearing to be right rather than actually being right. We are not interested in finding facts and then following the objective line of reasoning. We want to find a convenient story that makes us feel good, and we gain points if we make the other side look bad. This increases the divide between us. And ultimately, there will be no winners if we proceed that way. Read here to learn what actually guides human behavior besides reason.

I’m at a point where I want no part in unnecessary conflicts. I find that the vast majority of them are unnecessary. I can’t remember when I had a conflict with anyone (okay, minor squabbles with a spouse or family member do not count). Believe me, I’ve received the invitations into conflict. Someone will invite me into a conflict, and I politely decline.

Sometimes no response is the best response. Feel free to take a moment to stop and take a breath - this will help you to avoid doing something you will regret.

I want to wrap up by saying something about Jim. When I was moving out of the state (a 17-hour drive), Jim was the only person willing to help me on a Saturday at 7 AM to carry all of the things from my house into a moving truck. He happened to be very efficient and helped me to get it done quickly. He told me he had gotten a lot of practice from helping people in his church to move. His willingness to help is something I will never forget. Now when I hear someone question the Mormon belief system, I tell them this.

In the end, it seems that our character and actions speak louder than our privately held beliefs.